Things As They Should Be: A Trip To Rivendell
by mbus55
Summary: Once again the heroes of Middle Earth find themselves tricked into listening to a fanfic written by one of their own. Crazy antics ensue as history is mangled, Mary Sues attack, and everyone is insulted. Based on Things As They Should Be: By Legolas.
1. Surprise!

**Author's Note:**

Well I'm back, and with another installment in the Things As They Should Be stories. I hope that people enjoy this one, I've been wanting to write it for a long time. If you haven't read the stories that led to this one I don't think it's a problem. Remember, this is a parody and so things won't always be perfectly cannon but I will do my best. Please remember to review! Thanks for reading!

_**Things As They Should Be: A Trip To Rivendell**_

**Chapter #1:**

"Listen to this," Arwen said to her husband Aragorn holding a letter that a courier had just brought. It was a rather pleasant day and the King and Queen of Gondor had been sitting in a quiet garden. "It is a letter from Sam."

"Who has gone crazy this time?" Aragorn asked. He did not sound as if this was an unexpected event and Arwen wasn't even a little shocked that he had asked such a question. But she did shake her head.

"No one," Arwen answered, "he is throwing Frodo a surprise birthday party and has invited us."

"Hmm," Aragorn mused stroking his beard as he thought, "I don't know whether we should…"

Some people might have found it a little odd that Aragorn did not immediately decide to attend the birthday party of a dear friend, with whom he had shared many adventures. Once again Arwen was not surprised by his actions. Aragorn's hesitation seemed quite natural in fact.

This would be because not all that long ago another very close friend of theirs, Legolas, had gone insane. Seriously and disturbingly insane. Driven out of his mind after reading one too many Mary Sue fanfics the elf had decided to do a little writing of his own. It would take a long time for the mental trauma to wear off any of them who he had forced to listen to him read it.

"I suppose it would be safe," Aragorn said finally, "after all, Sam if probably the sanest of all of the hobbits." Of course, what Aragorn didn't say was that that fact did not actually make Sam sane by normal standards. "And surprise parties are always fun," Aragorn concluded.

The day of the surprise party was cloudy, and it looked as if it might rain soon. The guests were gathered in Sam's house. It was decorated for the occasion and there was a great cake in the kitchen, which Rosie was standing guard over as Merry and Pippin had been eyeing it predatorily since they had arrived.

"It is a good thing that I planned an indoor party," Sam was saying to his guests, "seeing as how the weather isn't all that great."

Aside from Arwen and Aragorn there were quite a few other guests crammed into the house. Gandalf, Bilbo, Elrond, and Glorfindel were seated in one corner. Gimli, the ghost of Boromir, and Legolas were talking as they drank the finest ale in the Shire. Merry and Pippin were plotting on methods of getting to the food.

"Where are your children?" Arwen asked Sam.

"Oh they are staying at our friends' house," Sam answered, "things have been a little hectic here as we got ready and I thought they might get underfoot."

That was a lie however. The real reason was that Sam was worried about the corrupting impact this assembly might have on his poor innocent children. It was a valid fear given the occurrences of past get group events, namely Legolas and Aragorn's horrific attempts at fanfiction and Faramir's club devoted to the hatred of Denethor.

"So when is the guest of honor arriving?" Aragorn asked.

"Actually I am already here," Frodo said from behind Aragorn. The King of Gondor jumped three feet in the air as he turned to face the hobbit who had snuck up on him.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam cried in shock.

"Surprise!" The rest of the guests chorused, though it sounded a little weak.

"We did not expect you for another hour," Rosie scolded Frodo.

"Well," Frodo shrugged grabbing a mug and filling it with ale, "I knew that you were planning a surprise party and I decided that I would rather do the surprising then be surprised."

"But how?" Sam gaped. "I was so careful to keep it a secret!"

"Pippin told me," Frodo answered simply.

"He dragged it out of me," Pippin defended himself as Sam turned to glare at him, "honest I did not mean to. He was just too persistent. And he had food!" Frodo chuckled, shaking his head. Rosie put a hand on Sam's arm to keep him from throttling Pippin.

"We will sing a song in honor of your birthday," Legolas told Frodo, "and I believe that Bilbo is going to recite some poetry."

"Actually," Frodo said, "I have something of my own that I would like to read."

From behind his back Frodo pulled out a large stack of parchment. The top parchment proclaimed, "_Frodo Saves The Day: A Trip To Rivendell_", in large ornate letters. Under that was the words, "_A Fanfiction Masterpiece that defiantly is better then any written by elves or men_."

"Eru save us," Elrond breathed.

"**GET TO THE DOOR!**" Gimli bellowed

He joined the party attendees, (except for Bilbo who didn't understand what was going on), as they all stormed the door. But when they went to pull it open they discovered that the door was locked. Only Boromir, being the only ghost there, was able to escape.

"Have fun suckers," he called behind him as he went.

"Damn you ghost/man/coward!" Aragorn shouted through the door.

"So no one wants to listen to my poem?" Bilbo asked in a confused voice. He was ignored.

"I took the liberty of locking the door so that you could listen without interruption," Frodo told them all calmly as he took a seat. Sam was privately regretting the decision to give Frodo a spare key. Frodo flipped to the second page of the pile of parchment. "Ahem. A dedication: _To Legolas for inspiring me to chronicle events according to my own memory and giving myself the credit I so richly deserve._"

"If I ever find out who introduced you to Mary Sue fanfiction their death will be horrible and painful," Gandalf muttered to Legolas. "Forget turning them into anything unnatural, I am going to ask Pippin to eat them alive."

"I would never eat someone alive," Pippin snorted.

"Pippin if you were forced to go without food for over a day you would eat rotting Oliphant that's been covered in mud," Sam snapped, still angry at Pippin for ruining his meticulously planned surprise party.

"You know not to sound pretentious but I would have thought that maybe I would have been the one to inspire Frodo to write," Bilbo said. "After all, I spent so long carefully writing down my adventures. I hadn't even realized that Legolas had written something."

"What Legolas wrote," Aragorn informed Bilbo, "was torture. Pure torture masquerading as literature."

"You are one to talk," Glorfindel growled. "Or have you forgotten the Christmas story that you subjected us to? The elves were delivering toys, Legolas was smelly, Gimli was dumb, and you were the hero. Is this ringing any bells?"

"Maybe…"

"And to think I was disappointed that I missed the Christmas get together," Bilbo said. He had gone very pale. Frodo began to speak, and everyone followed Bilbo's lead and went pale.


	2. House Rules

**Author's Note:**

_Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed the first chapter! I'm glad that people are looking forward to reading the rest of the story. Now I just have to keep myself focused long enough to finish it… Anyway I hope that everyone likes the second chapter. Please read and review!_

**Disclaimer**_:_

_I do not own the Lord Of The Rings or anything else that was created by Tolkien. You can tell that I am not him because I am not dead or a man._

**Chapter #2:**

_It was a beautiful day in the Shire. The reason that it was beautiful was because even the sun itself was celebrating the very special day that it was. It was-_

"Probably not Gimli Day," the frustrated dwarf muttered.

_- Frodo's birthday. All of Hobbiton was preparing to celebrate it since they all loved Frodo sooooo much._

"Probably because he's sooooo insane," Merry chuckled.

_You see Frodo was the very best hobbit to live. Ever. This was an undisputed fact throughout the whole Shire. The hobbits often spoke of their pity for all who lived outside of their lands for they had no knowledge of Frodo and his glorious existence. His bravery and courage had saved the Shire ninety-nine times to date, and his exploits were the main topic of conversation. He had also won the Most Eligible Bachelor award over a dozen times._

"Just think of what I was missing all of those hundreds and hundreds of years," Elrond said sarcastically, "I don't know how I did all of those brave and heroic deeds without having met Frodo."

"I'll bet if Sauron had met Frodo he never would have turned evil," Gandalf announced in a fake serious voice.

"He is the sun, birthday cake, puppies, rainbows, candy, and mushrooms all rolled into one," Pippin concluded.

"You forgot the unyielding courage and manliness mixed in," Merry chortled.

"Oh how could I forget that?" Pippin asked.

"It could be because he is just so adorable," Glorfindel suggested. "Does anybody else ever have the overwhelming desire to pinch his cheeks or ruffle his hair?" All of the non-hobbits in the room raised their hands.

Frodo was fuming as he continued to read.

_Many important people had come for Frodo's birthday. One of them was the wizard Gandalf._

"Why do I get the impression that nothing good can come from this?" Gandalf asked.

"It could be that despite was Saruman says you're not an idiot," Elrond suggested.

_Gandalf was known for his wisdom and impressive skills. A little known fact about this wizard was that Frodo had taught him everything that he knew._

"That is impossible!" Bilbo burst out, unable to keep his mouth closed a second longer. "Frodo did not save the Shire ninety-nine times. He was not known as the best hobbit ever. The sun didn't shine for his birthday. Gandalf didn't come for Frodo's birthday, he came for mine. Frodo couldn't have taught Gandalf everything he knows because Frodo is not as old as him. And there is NO most eligible bachelor contest in the Shire!"

Bilbo had started out in a normal enough voice. It was a little frantic and a little louder then normal, but it was no worse then the voices that everyone else was using. By the end, however, he was yelling at the top of his lungs and his face was rapidly turning a bright red.

"Breathe my friend," Gimli advised the older hobbit, "it will get worse before it gets better."

"Worse?" Bilbo squeaked.

Everyone who had been involved in the previous incidents nodded solemnly.

"Sam, Rosie," Bilbo turned his hosts, "you just have to get us out of here. This is your house, don't you have keys."

"Honestly," Rosie shrugged, "we have not had to lock the house in over a year. I do not even remember where my spare key is." Sam nodded in agreement.

"Sam put his spare key under his favorite flowerpot outside and Rosie put hers under the flowerpot next to it," Frodo announced pulling two extra keys from out of his pocket.

"We gave a spare to Pippin," Sam cried, "he has one!"

"Unfortunately for you," Frodo grinned, "Pippin put his copy in the same place he puts all the important items his friends give him to hold on to. In his junk drawer."

"That is the last time I trust you with anything," Sam grumbled to Pippin.

_It was truly a splendid party, and so many people came that some were worried that the food would run out._

"Not the food!" the hobbits listening to the story cried.

_But they need not have feared because Frodo-_

"Was actually a candy tree," Legolas announced, "and he allowed all of his guests to pluck the delicious candy that grew on him and they never went hungry again."

"That is disgusting," Arwen said.

"You do not know that for sure," Pippin told her, "after all we have not tasted the candy yet."

"There is no candy!" Elrond bellowed.

"Well that does not give you the right to get pissy," Merry said wagging a finger at the Elf lord. Elrond's forehead became unnaturally wrinkly while Glorfindel looked gleeful at the idea of someone calling the esteemed Lord Elrond pissy.

_- because Frodo was much too smart as to not make enough food._

"That was almost a let down after all that discussion of a candy tree," Aragorn remarked.

_In fact, Frodo had made all of the food himself. Being the very best cook to ever exist Frodo had cooked tons of the most scrumptious food the hobbits had ever tasted. By the next day the delectable food had become yet another tale of Frodo that was a classic story told in the Shire._

"The sad thing is a great meal could **actually** be a tale that hobbits would tell," Elrond sighed. None of the hobbits even tried to refute the statement.

_Although it was normally a hobbit tradition for the host to give away gifts on their birthday none of the guests needed a gift._

"I find that difficult to believe," Rosie chuckled.

_That was because Frodo was all the gift they needed._

"So let's see that's one hobbit cut into several hundred pieces to be given to each guest," Gimli mused, "meaning that each attendee would receive 0.001 percent of their host. That seems fair."

_Bilbo attempted to give out gifts of his own, but they were incredibly crappy. Of course they were dwarf made so maybe Bilbo was not entirely to blame for the disastrous gifts._

"Hold on one second!" Gimli roared.

"Oh dwarves," Legolas laughed.

"They are pretty funny," Glorfindel agreed.

Gimli tackled the two elves, and in the process knocked over a vase as they wrestled. Unfortunately for them resulted in all three of them getting hit by Rosie, who used a frying pan to ensure that she would get her point across.

"No destroying my house," she lectured still griping the frying pan, "and that goes for all of you. I do not care what race you are, if you are royalty, or if you were sent down by some sort of god to fulfill some sort of mission. If you destroy my house I will flatten your face."

"It is a house rule," Sam shrugged apologetically to the guests.

"Really makes you miss the library at Rivendell," Aragorn whispered to Gandalf, "we destroyed that whole room and never once got hit with a cooking utensil."


	3. Frodo Is Praised More

**Chapter #3:**

_Finally it was time for the birthday speeches. Bilbo stood up first._

"I am beginning to suspect that he will not portray me in a positive light," Bilbo muttered.

"By George I think he's got it!" Gimli cried.

"Who is George?" Sam asked. Gimli shrugged in reply.

_Bilbo began his speech by trying to list all of the hobbits at the party. He forgot about most of them and those who he remembered he insulted by mispronouncing their very uncomplicated names._

"Frodo may joke about it," Merry interjected, "but it can be a serious problem. On one occasion someone called me Bradybuck and once another person called me Brandybick."

"What about when you were called Meriadick Brandydick?" Pippin asked.

"That was you," Merry reminded him, "and you were incredibly drunk at the time."

"That does not mean that it was not hysterical," Pippin defended himself.

_The elderly hobbit would surely have been mortally embarrassed if he had in fact realized exactly how horrible his speech had been. But he was rather dense and noticed nothing._

"This is absurd," Rosie said turning to her husband, "I am never throwing a party for any of your friends ever again. I can not believe how rude Frodo is being to his uncle."

"Thank you," Bilbo said.

"The speech," she continued, "might not have been all that stellar but there is no reason to rub his face in it."

"I am taking my gratitude back," Bilbo announced stiffly.

_Bilbo finished his speech in confusion and then used his magic ring in order to disappear because he had been overcome with crippling stage fright._

"I did not notice any stage fright when Bilbo was in Rivendell," Glorfindel commented, "he even spoke before the Council. You would think that someone with stage fright would not have been able-"

"Frodo is lying," Elrond explained rubbing his temples.

"Oh," Glorfindel chuckled sheepishly, "that makes much more sense."

_After Bilbo had left Frodo stayed, in order to give his own speech._

"Of which even the sun above was jealous," Gimli joked.

"It was night," Sam corrected him.

"The stars and moon then," Gimli amended.

_His audience hung on his every word. Many were driven to tears and when he was done they cheered for two hours before running off to build yet another statue of their hero Frodo._

"I am going to take a wild guess and say that the event Frodo described did not happen," Arwen said.

"Do not ask me," Pippin told her, "I was very drunk that night. I could have built ten statues of Frodo and have no memory of it."

"Actually as drunk as we were I think we would remember statue building," Merry mused.

_By the time Frodo reached the house Bilbo had left. Even though Frodo had been very sad that Bilbo had left he could not help but be glad. In his old age Bilbo had become very dependent and Frodo found it tiring it constantly be making sure that Bilbo had not become addled and thought that the sofa was a dragon in need of slaying again._

_"Now he is the elves problem," Frodo muttered to Gandalf._

_"Good luck to them," the wizard agreed._

"I would never say anything like that," the real Gandalf tried to assure Bilbo.

_"He really is a pain," Gandalf continued._

"You have to believe that your nephew is lying!"

"He is also crazy," Legolas told Bilbo solemnly.

_"Now that he is finally gone I can spend some quality time with my favorite hobbit ever," Gandalf cried._

"All of this Frodo praising is making me nauseous," Elrond complained.

"Then I think it is a good thing that Sam is not getting a chance to give the birthday speech he has been writing for him," Pippin told him. They both looked over at Sam who was glaring.

"I thought I was your favorite," Bilbo said to Gandalf.

"What about me?" Pippin asked.

"It is not you," Gandalf assured Pippin. "Fool of a Took," he muttered under his breath.

_Bilbo had left Frodo everything. It was because Frodo was amazing._

"It was because I did not want to leave everything to the Sackville Baggins," Bilbo explained.

_He had even left his magic ring, which was very mysterious and powerful._

"But not as mysterious and powerful as Frodo's blue eyes!" Gimli chuckled.

_Sort of like Frodo's hypnotizing gaze._

"I was only joking," Gimli groaned looking like he was going to be ill.

"It is so rare to see this advanced level of narcissism," Arwen commented.

_"I just don't know what I should have you do with this ring," Gandalf moaned._

_"How about if I just keep it secret and safe?" Frodo asked._

"Oh yes," Gandalf sighed, "Frodo knows everything and I know absolutely nothing."

"I knew you were just pretending to know what you were doing," Aragorn joked.

_"That is genius," Gandalf cheered, "that is why you are the best being ever to exist and I am a worthless git."_

"It is so accurate except for the part where it is a total fabrication of the truth," Gandalf grumbled.

_Frodo suggested that Gandalf leave to go find more information on the magic ring. In truth this was because Frodo could not stand the constant hero worship._

"I find that incredibly difficult to believe," Rosie sniffed.

_So with a heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy-_

"Get on with it!"

_- heavy heart that Gandalf left his hero behind to find more information on the ring._

"How could you stand to leave your hero behind?" Glorfindel asked with mock concern.

"It is much easier then you would think," Gandalf growled.


	4. Age And Beauty

_**Author's Note:**_

_I'm really sorry about the long wait. School has started up once again and things just tend to pile up. But I will try not to slack off. Anyway many apologies to everyone who reviewed and thank you to everyone who is continuing to read. This chapter isn't very long, but I felt that I should post. Hope everyone likes it!_

**Chapter #4:**

_The years passed by. Gandalf got distracted by trying to make Saruman be his friend and forgot to check up on poor brave Frodo._

"It's a lie!"

"We know!" Everyone else shouted at Gandalf. He sulked a little.

_Everyone in the Shire aged horribly through the long years. Merry and Pippin resorted to all kinds of ridiculous remedies in an attempt to make themselves appear young and handsome. It didn't fool anyone. Sam would have also tried to make himself younger looking, but he was too dense to realize that any time had passed._

The three hobbits argued fiercely at this claim. Rosie sought to reassure Sam that it was not true. Merry and Pippin sought their reassurance from a nearby mirror.

"Look at that chiseled jaw," Merry said pointing at the mirror. "How could anyone be so cruel as to insult it?"

_Frodo, however, did not age a bit. He remained as young and handsome as ever._

"Because of the power of the Ring!" Bilbo announced in an excited tone. "I finally understand something that is happening in Frodo's story! The Ring is keeping his from ageing!"

_It was because Frodo was just plain awesome!_

Bilbo, who had a moment ago been about to throw himself a party visibly wilted. He looked half depressed and have stunned as he stared open mouthed at his nephew. The nephew, who he had known at one time but now seemed like an insane stranger.

"You are very naïve Bilbo," Arwen told him gently. "It will wear off."

_When Gandalf finally came back even he looked old and careworn next to the brilliance of Frodo._

"I **am** old," Gandalf roared, "you stupid twit!"

_"So did you find anything?" Frodo asked._

_"About what?" the stupid twit-_

Gandalf ground his teeth together so loud that Pippin began looking out the window to see if a storm was approaching.

_- of a wizard inquired._

_"The ring!" Frodo reminded him._

"Oh no," Arwen cried, "the perfect Frodo is developing impatience!"

"Tsk tsk," Elrond scolded.

_"Ah that," Gandalf sighed, "well there is a slight chance that it is the One Ring, an item of unimaginable evil, the corruptor of souls for hundreds of years, and the one thing that would restore one of the evilest beings to ever exist to his full strength so that he could conquer us all. Just a slight chance though, really not very likely."_

"As the eavesdropper on this momentous conversation," Sam said, "I can say with all certainty that it did not go like that."

_Not willing to take Gandalf's naïve assurances Frodo placed the ring in the fire, and lo and behold writing appeared proving that it truly was The One Ring. Dun, dun, dun!_

"Frodo is not that great of a writer," Legolas commented.

"You are one to talk," Gimli snorted.

_When he saw how horribly wrong he had been Gandalf began to cry. He had put poor Frodo in danger and he felt just awful about it._

"You would think that if Frodo was so heroic and awesome that Gandalf would not have minded so much when he put Frodo in danger," Glorfindel mused.

"I for one would put Frodo in danger in a heartbeat," Aragorn muttered.

"And frequently did during our adventure," Gimli reminded him.

"Hey I was a good leader! No, a **great** leader, and you were all lucky to have me."

_A sinister whisper came from the Ring. Gandalf trembled uncontrollably in fear as he broke into a cold sweat. The pure terror caused the wizard to moan in fright._

"I have never shown fear," Gandalf argued.

"There was that time in Moria when the Balrog attacked us," Aragorn reminded him.

"During the Battle of Minas Tirith you were sort of freaked out," Pippin continued.

"And that time that the Sackville Baggins came to find you," Bilbo added.

"That was you," Gandalf reminded him with a glare.

"Oh."

_"Be quiet you," Frodo said. He flicked the Ring with his finger and it cowered in awe._

"I didn't know that rings could cower," Sam grinned.

"I didn't know that Frodo's finger had so much power," Rosie remarked.

"It's because he never cleans his nails," Legolas told her.

"An elf would fixate on a person's cleanliness," Gimli snorted. The elves in the room all glared at Gimli.

"Sometimes I wonder if your goal is to be killed by an elf," Aragorn muttered to Gimli.

_As Gandalf beheld the ease and authority with which Frodo handled the Ring he stared in undisguised awe._

"Again with the awe!"

_ He knew, even at this early time, that Frodo would be the greatest Ringbearer ever._

"Maybe the greatest failure," Glorfindel smirked, "after all both Sam and Bilbo were able to give up the Ring. Only Gollum seems to share Frodo's inability to give up the Ring, though he is obviously more corrupted then any other."

"I will admit that I am glad to be lumped in with you rather then Gollum," Sam said to Bilbo.

"I am not so sure the feeling is mutual," Bilbo admitted. He had always assumed Sam was a fairly stable hobbit. Now he had to reevaluate this assessment. In fact hidden insanity was coming out from all of these friends who he had previously believed to be rather well adjusted.


	5. It Must Be Bunnies

_**Author's Note:**_

_Not much to say other then the usual apologies for tardiness. I really appreciate anyone who is still willing to read and review after my very annoying lack of ability to write, (otherwise known as writer's block). Hope that people enjoy reading this chapter. _

**Chapter #5:**

_Reluctantly taking Sam with him Frodo made his way out of the Shire, after agreeing to meet up with Gandalf at an inn in Bree. The poor wizard had been so overwhelmed by the One Ring that Frodo in his infinite wisdom had sent Gandalf for a little rest and relaxation._

"That is completely inaccurate!" Gandalf shouted.

"And it skips over my humorous introduction to the whole adventure," Sam added. "Where I am, arguably at my most loveable and sweet. My devotion to Frodo, my adorable cuteness. How could he skip it?"

"Devotion to Frodo?" Gandalf laughed. "You were just being a busybody."

"A busybody!" Sam gasped. "How could you Gandalf?"

"I was at my most loveable when I was sneaking into Elrond's Council," Pippin mused. He turned to Merry. "You weren't nearly as cute."

"Neither of you were cute then," Elrond grumbled.

_Gandalf was once again distracted trying to make Saruman like him. However the annoying wizard had finally drawn the once sensible wizard over the edge._

"I drove Saruman over the edge?" Gandalf roared.

"His habit of disappearing whenever you need him can be infuriating," Gimli muttered.

"How would you like to be turned into a bunny rabbit?" Gandalf asked with narrowed eyes.

"That evil hobbit and his evil lies," Gimli said loudly, "how dare he insult the wonderful wizard Gandalf."

"I think you had a point before Gimli," Legolas said.

"I'll turn you into a bunny too," Gandalf threatened.

"And I would be the most adorable bunny rabbit to ever exist," Legolas said in a regal voice. It may have been the wrong time for the use of his regal voice but it did cause an impression.

Everyone else in the room regarded Legolas with thoughtful expressions, clearly picturing what he would be like as a bunny.

"You would make a cute bunny," Rosie nodded finally.

"Thank you," Legolas replied in a dignified manner. The rest of the group chuckled, though the elf prince did his best to ignore it.

_Saruman locked Gandalf away as punishment._

_"I will keep you from ever seeing your precious hero Frodo again!" The wizard cackled._

_"Oh woe is me!" Gandalf shrieked._

"This is foolishness," Gandalf grumbled. "No one here is stupid enough to believe-" Gandalf broke off suddenly and looked around the room before starting again. "- about half of you aren't stupid enough to believe this dribble."

"I'll bet he's talking about me," Pippin whispered to Merry.

"Without a doubt," Merry nodded.

"I do not shriek," Gandalf announced.

"We know," Aragorn said in a soothing voice, (contradicted by the wide grin he was trying to hide), "we know that it is all Frodo's lies and that you would never shriek… other then that morning."

_Frodo, with his incredible ability to read people-_

"Oh come on," Gimli grumbled.

_- and see the future-_

"These people seem to think that seeing into the future is as easy as breathing," Elrond grumbled.

_- and just be awesome in general had guessed that this was going to happen._

"Just a guess," Glorfindel snorted, "you mean the gods themselves did not come down into his dreams and chat with him about it."

"He does seem to be rather modest," Sam joked.

_Though he did not want to Frodo decided to bring Sam with him. It was not a pleasant prospect as Sam was so annoying and needy-_

"That is my husband that you are talking about," Rosie screeched.

"Yeah, that is me that you are talking about," Sam added.

"Only the truest of pure evils could break that friendship apart like this," Elrond observed.

"It is a good thing that Sauron never discovered this evil," Arwen nodded.

_- though on the upside Sam would be useful for carrying things._

"What," Gimli asked, "Frodo can not carry everything with only his mind?"

"He could," Arwen assured the dwarf seriously, "but that would be showing off."

_Frodo was also forced to bring Merry and Pippin too. This was bad for several reasons, but one reason stood above all the rest._

"I can only guess," Merry grumbled.

_Merry and Pippin were dumb. It was hard to say for certain, since Frodo had not traveled very far from his home and thus had not met everyone in the world, but still Frodo believed that Merry and Pippin were the dumbest beings ever to live._

"So much for cousinly love," Merry sighed.

"If you can't trust your own family then who can you trust?" Pippin asked.

"Certainly not any of us who are gathered here," Glorfindel grumbled darkly. Everyone nodded in agreement.

_Frodo tried to convince his not so bright cousins to go back. After all, it was not as if there was anything that either of them could do to help brave Frodo on his dangerous quest._

"Oh so you would call defeating the witch king-"

"- and becoming a Guard of the Citadel-"

"- doing nothing helpful?"

"Haven't you two used those arguments before?" Elrond asked. Merry and Pippin muttered bitterly while Sam fought back the longing to remind them all about how he had killed Shelob the giant spider.

"This whole thing is a little on the repetitive side," Gandalf mused.

"A nightmare we can never escape," Elrond agreed.


	6. On The Road With Frodo

**Chapter #6:**

_Traveling with his three friends Frodo came to wish that he had gone alone._

"Well if you want to be alone," Sam said testily, "then next year I won't throw you a party and you can sit around by yourself on your birthday."

"As if any of us would come to a party for Frodo knowing who else would be on the insane guest list," Gimli commented.

"You came to this one," Rosie pointed out.

"You know if you want to be alone," Elrond said, "all you have to do is let us all go!"

_At the same time even Frodo recognized how helpful it was to have three people who worshiped the very ground he walked on traveling with him._

"Quick," Gandalf said to the hobbits with a chuckle, "I think that Frodo walked on that bit of floor over there. You must go and worship it."

The hobbits glared back, though everyone else in the room found it exceptionally funny.

"Just wait until the rest of you are in the story," Merry said threateningly.

While this did cause several people in the room to twitch nervously others took comfort in the fact that they had been uninvolved in the trip to Rivendell and had not met Frodo until he was well on his quest. They were forgetting of course that Frodo was insane and that none of them were safe.

_"Oh Frodo," Sam said with a bow, "your pillow does not look very comfortable. Perhaps I could be your pillow? Please!"_

"That did not happen," Sam said to Rosie.

"Oh Sam," Glorfindel chuckled, "there is no need for you to hide your secret passion for Frodo from us. We all saw the spark between the two of you. The way that your eyes would meet and the rest of the world would just melt away."

"That's it," Elrond snapped, "no more romance novels for you. You know they are only in the Rivendell library because my sons thought that it would be funny."

Glorfindel sulked muttering about how romance novels could convince the hardest of hearts that magic was real. The rest of the people in the room unanimously decided to pretend that the discussion had never happened.

_"You look bored Frodo," Pippin said, "would it entertain you if I slammed my head against a tree several hundred times?"_

"So that is what happened to Pippin's brain," Gandalf mused aloud. "I knew that he could not have been born that stupid."

Arwen and Rosie rushed to console Pippin, saying that he was not stupid and that Gandalf was just bitter at being insulted by Frodo.

_Merry bounded forward carrying a stick in his mouth. He dropped it at Frodo's feet._

_"Bark! Woof! Bark!" he said._

_Frodo of course knew that this meant that Merry wanted to play fetch._

"I am not a dog!" Merry bellowed.

"We know," Pippin said to his friend. Then he ruined it by patting Merry on the head.

"Stop it," Merry snapped whacking Pippin's hand.

"Hey," Pippin said, "Frodo insulted me too. There's no need to be mean about it."

_As Frodo tried to sleep, this being made difficult by the amount of noise his worshipers were making trying to please their god Frodo. Just then an ice cold wind blew through the world. Most people were left half-frozen for several hours. Frodo of course was able to brush it off._

"Even weather itself trembles in fear at the mighty Frodo," Arwen laughed.

_But there was something evil in the air. Something horrible and earth shattering. All around Middle Earth the wisest out there struggled to try to decipher the warning, but to no avail._

"Yes because I could never be able to see the future or anything," Elrond scoffed.

"I used to be able to see the future," Legolas pouted.

"That was your fake world Legolas," Gimli sighed, "not real life."

_But it was easy for Frodo to know what it meant._

"How did I see that one coming?" Aragorn sighed.

"She can see the future," Legolas said in an accusing manner.

"No she's just smart," Gimli corrected him.

_ Frodo discovered that Sauron had truly sent his nine evilest and most feared servants to track the Ring down._

"Yes," Sam sighed, "yes we know all about the Ringwraiths."

_Sauron had sent the nine Mary Sues!_

"Valar protect us!"

"We are all doomed!"

Other similar cries went up all over the room. A couple of the guests had actually stood up and were running around the room in a panic. Aragorn was attempting to bash his head open on the nearby wall while Arwen watched her husband suspiciously.

"What on earth is a Mary Sue?" Bilbo asked in an annoyed voice.

Instantly the chaos stopped as they all turned to gape at Bilbo.


	7. Never Fear The Definition Is Here

**Chapter #7:**

"What is a Mary Sue?" Gimli echoed sounding as though he could not believe what he was hearing.

"Allow me to explain," Elrond said. He stood up and cleared his throat.

_"Mary-Sue: A classic. An OC (see below) who is usually gorgeous, talented, and for all intents and purposes perfect. She almost always finds a way of getting her slimy hands on the 'hottest' male character. Though now thoroughly ridiculed and despised throughout the fanfiction community, thus giving rise to the popular culture of 'Sue-Slayers' or mocking Mary Sues and their preteen writers, you can still find a few thinly-veiled examples if you look closely. The writers of Mary-Sues are usually teen girls obsessed with the actor(s) who play the characters in the movies and are given to horrific mangling of the English language with capitalization lIke THiS!1 and usually forget how they'd described their characters originally thus giving rise to the ever changing hair/eye colors of the MSs. A less popular variation is the Gary-Stu, a male Mary-Sue." *1*_

"Did you memorize that father?" Arwen asked.

"I have had to explain it so many times," Elrond tried to explain. "When you make a law banning a certain thing people tend to ask exactly what it is you are forbidding from entering the land."

"Things have certainly changed from when I was last in Rivendell," Bilbo mused.

"Assuredly not for the better," Glorfindel said.

"So a Mary Sue is a woman with the power to enchant and/or drive to insanity those she comes into contact with?" Bilbo asked.

"They are also fictional," Elrond said in a futile attempt to calm everyone down. It was futile because ever since the word had been uttered most of the gathered people had been suffering from panic attacks of varying seriousness. Aragorn's was, without question, the most severe.

"I am not, and have never been, in love with a Mary Sue," Aragorn announced suddenly. "I hate them, which is the opposite of love, and whatever Frodo says to the contrary I love Arwen. Not Mary Sue, Arwen."

"You are not even in the story yet," Legolas snapped.

"It is a preemptive statement," Aragorn replied.

Sam, with a burst of foresight, realized that like Aragorn he had a wife present to witness Frodo's outrageous, (but FALSE), claims. He, however, was currently in the story. It was clear to Sam that the signs were all pointing to major trouble headed his way.

Sam groaned aloud, putting his head in his hands and everyone turned to look at him with confusion. Everyone but Frodo, who grinned at his dear friend in an evil way.

_The nine Mary Sues found Frodo and his worshipers almost at once._

"Ha!" Merry shouted standing up in triumph. "Frodo is not the best! Frodo is not the best! Something happened that made Frodo not wonderful."

_This, however, did not mean that Frodo was not wonderful._

"Huh?" Merry said.

_The Mary Sues found Frodo so quickly because they are drawn like magnets to hot beings, and since Frodo was the hottest person to ever exist he was easy for them to find._

"That is why the Sues fell in love with me," Legolas said proudly.

"Oh be quiet," Gimli snapped, "that was fantasy not reality."

"It is hard to tell them apart," Legolas insisted.

"Oh boy," Gimli sighed.

_When they reached Frodo the nine Sues began to fight, in order to decide who loved Frodo the most._

"Sam wins!" Pippin shouted suddenly.

Rosie and Sam glared at Pippin as the insane hobbit laughed himself silly at his own joke for a couple of minutes before he was able to calm himself down.

"Because Frodo and Sam are secret lovers," Pippin giggled trying to explain to the couple why his joke had been funny.

"Oh I understood," Rosie growled.

"Hey uh Pippin," Merry said quickly, "I think there's a cookie under that chair over there."

Pippin dashed across the room and flung himself under the chair, trying to find the cookie. Despite the fact that there was no cookie it was good that Pippin had been successfully gotten away from a homicidal looking Rosie.

_The Sue who won the fight was the most fearsome Mary Sue. She was known as-_

"Let me guess," Elrond said. "The Mary-King? The Witch-Sue?"

"Maybe the Bitch-King?" Arwen suggested in a silky voice that only barely masked her rage at Mary Sues being back in her life.

_- Crystal-Swan Beauty O'Glitter._

"Well I would not have guessed that," Glorfindel said in a calm voice while everyone else in the room twitched.

"I feel sick," Bilbo groaned.

_Crystal-Swan Beauty O'Glitter approached the four hobbits, gliding rather then walking._

"Oh I get it," Pippin announced popping up from under the chair where he had been searching for the cookie, "she's an elf!"

None of the elves in the room found this amusing.

_Before she spoke to them Crystal-Swan Beauty O'Glitter stopped to fix her hair and check her reflection in a mirror._

"Definitely an elf," Gimli chuckled.

"Who cares what you think oh short one," Legolas sniffed, "you would not know what a mirror was if someone cracked you over the head with it."

"Oh yeah," Gimli cried standing up, "how about I go and get a mirror and crack it over your prissy head?"

"Ahem!" Rosie coughed loudly.

"But-not-here," Gimli said quickly as he sat down, "because-I-would-hate-to-do-anything-that-would-fall-under-the-category-of-destroying-Rosie's-beautiful-house-which-would-earn-me-a-beating-by-frying-pan."

_Sam stared at the beautiful Mary Sue. He tried to remember ever coming across a being with as much splendor and attractiveness as her, but just could not recall anyone who could even attempt to compare._

"Don't you dare fall in love with that fictitious female!" Rosie yelled at the real Sam who was sitting next to her.

"It is just Frodo's lies," Sam defended himself.

"I did not throw your friend a birthday party so that he could tell such ridiculous lies and call it entertainment," she bellowed.

"I am finding it a little entertaining," Glorfindel confided to Elrond in a low voice so that Rosie would not overhear him.

_Sam took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say to the Mary Sue._

Feeling an overwhelming depression sinking over him Sam poked the sofa. He hoped that it would be a comfortable enough place to sleep after Rosie kicked him out of their bedroom for whatever lies Frodo had invented and was about to say.

_*1*- This is once again a segment that I have borrowed from Enigmagirl2727's profile. I thank her very much for allowing me to use it._


	8. The Fellowship of the Limericks

_**Author's Note:**_

_Once again life has interrupted my writing time. Ever since I started my internship and classes started again I've had next to no time to myself. Luckily an ice storm has finally given me some time to write again. Anyway I hope to update again soon but make no promises._

**Chapter #8:**

_The arrival of the Mary Sue had no real effect on the hero Frodo._

"Raise your hand if you actually thought that it would," Gimli said in a bored voice.

No one in the room raised their hand.

"What do you think we are," Pippin demanded, "stupid?"

"I would not ask that question of any of us if I were you," Gandalf chuckled.

_Merry and Pippin had forgotten Crystal-Swan Beauty O'Glitter was there and were attempting to make snow angels since once again they had forgotten the difference between snow and dirt. Frodo considered trying to explain it to them again but it was much too funny a sight to but a stop to it._

"You should know for a fact that I am often referred to as 'The Smart One' by people who are acquainted with me," Merry pointed out.

"Not too well acquainted I imagine," Glorfindel said.

_Sam began to recite his own bad poetry to the Mary Sue._

"Do you want to hear some real Sam poetry?" Sam asked.

"Yes!" Everyone in the room roared.

"_There once was a hobbit named Frodo_

_Who was deeply and truly mad-o._

_He tortured his friends_

_So his life they did end._

_That crazy insane hobbit Frodo_."

There was much applause and cheering from those who were listening to the story. Sam was even hoisted on the shoulders of Aragorn, Legolas, Gandalf, and Glorfindel and they marched him all around the room. When they put him back down Rosie gave him a big kiss.

"All is forgiven," she told him before kissing him again.

"I have a poem as well," Legolas announced standing up and striking a heroic pose.

"Oh boy," Elrond groaned massaging his head with his hands.

"_Aragorn was a smelly king._

_When he was crowned he started to sing._

_He drove his people mad,_

_But he was the only king they had:_

_Aragorn the ding-a-ling_."

"That was very good Legolas," Glorfindel said through his giggles.

"Thank you," Legolas grinned not noticing how hard Glorfindel was laughing, "I wrote it while I was grounded."

"I thought they took away all the quills and paper," Gimli said.

"They did," the elf nodded, "but despite that they could not take away my mind."

"What little is left of it," Elrond muttered.

_Sam's mangled and horrible poetry hurt the Sue's ears so much that she screamed as her brain bubbled out from her ears._

"I killed the Crystal-Swan Beauty O'Glitter!" Sam cheered.

"With poetry though," Gandalf pointed out, "which definitely makes it less heroic and more silly."

"In this story however," Bilbo said, "I think you have to take what you can."

_Unfortunately the scream of the dying Mary Sue had alerted the other eight Sues who had been recovering from their wounds, and they were there in the space of a second._

"Quick Sam," Arwen giggled, "recite more poetry!"

_Sam fainted when faced by so much beauty._

"I do not faint!" Sam cried.

"What about when Merry and I dressed up as scarecrows and jumped out at you while you were passing us?" Pippin asked.

"I slipped," Sam defended himself with a red face. "I knew it was you two the whole time."

"Sure you did," Merry grinned.

_The eight remaining Sues drew their Sue-Swords._

"Do we even want to know what a Sue-Sword is?" Rosie asked.

_A Sue-Sword is a hot pink sword that can shoot sparkles at people. They are also designed to rip clothes off hot guys._

"I feel sick," Merry groaned.

"I feel hungry," Pippin sighed.

_Soon Frodo was shirtless-_

The entire group moaned and cringed as one.

_- with sparkles flying all around him._

The moaning quickly turned to outright sobbing.

"No throwing up in my house," Rosie warned them all brandishing her frying pan once more.

"That may be difficult," Glorfindel said in a faint voice.

_The sun itself was jealous of Frodo's splendor. The fight itself was too wondrous to ever be properly expressed in words._

The cheering rattled the windows and could be heard through the whole Shire. In fact many of the hobbits who over heard it grumbled that they themselves had not been invited, never guessing the horror the guests trapped in the party were facing.

_Even for Frodo's normal brilliance this battle would receive high, high marks._

"High," Arwen mused aloud, "have we ever considered the possibility that Legolas, Aragorn, and Frodo have all been smoking something that was tainted in some way?"

"Or perhaps someone is drugging our food," Aragorn exclaimed.

"If that were the case," Gimli argued, "then Merry and Pippin would have been the first of us effected."

"I think it is much more likely that the trauma of war has caused us all to have suffered mental breaks that have severed our tie with reality," Legolas explained cheerfully.

"Where did that come from?" Sam asked looking shocked.

"Yeah Legolas," Glorfindel said echoing Sam's shock, "you have never sounded this smart before."

"This is what happens when the only person willing to talk to you is the shrink your father hired," Legolas explained. "He has been rubbing off on me. Go ahead and ask me what your problems are, I can probably diagnosis you all."

"Pass!" Gandalf all but shouted. "A thousand times pass!"

"You!" Legolas shouted. "Shall! Not! Pass!"

"You are in no way amusing," Gandalf said in a cold voice.

"I don't know," Glorfindel shrugged, "I actually get a kick out of him."

_The news quickly reached the evil Sauron._

_"Curse that brave and incredibly good looking hobbit," Sauron cried in anguish. "Frodo has foiled me! Curse his beautiful blue eyes!"_

"Is it just me or does it sound like Sauron has a crush on Frodo?" Merry asked.

_"He is only a hobbit," Saruman said trying to comfort Sauron._

_"Pah," Sauron spat, "he is still more powerful then both of us. I thought that the Mary Sues could kill him, but now I will just have to keep trying even if it is hopeless to hope to hurt him."_

"I highly doubt that this is how villains talk to each other," Rosie said. "I mean they do not sound remotely threatening let alone evil. If these are the enemies that you all are always bragging about defeating then I am not impressed."

The entire group rose up in protest. Everyone had a tale of heroic bravery from during the war that they tried to tell Rosie. Unfortunately with so many trying to talk Rosie was unable to understand any of them. After a couple of minutes they all gave up.

_"What will you do?" Saruman asked._

"Yeah Mister Evil Eyeball," Gimli joked, "what will you do?"

"Merge with a Mary Sue and kill Aragorn!" Legolas shouted suddenly.

"Legolas," Arwen sighed, "luckily for the rest of us you are not writing this story."

_"I will send the Ringwraiths," Sauron sighed, "and perhaps they will be able to defeat the magnificent Frodo whose very name sends a shiver down my spine."_

"Sauron and Frodo sitting in a tree!" Merry and Pippin began to sing.

The singing was interrupted by a knock at the door. Everyone froze and stared at it. After a pause the knock came again along with a voice.

"I am sorry I'm late to the party," the person called, "please let me in!"

"If any of you make a sound," Frodo whispered as he moved to the door, "I will add a one hundred page epilogue."

"We should probably stay very quiet," Rosie said softly.

Frodo put the key in and opened the door.


	9. Tom Bombadil Used To Be Happy

**Chapter #9:**

Standing framed in the doorway was the unmistakable form of Tom Bombadil. He entered the house before anyone could warn him and Frodo slammed the door shut at once, locking it quickly.

"Now that I am here Frodo," Tom Bombadil spoke cheerfully, "allow me to recite a little poem that I have written in honor of your birthday!"

"That is very kind of you," Frodo said quickly, "but actually I have been entertaining everybody by reading a little something of my own."

"That sounds delightful," Tom Bombadil cried.

"It is everything that delightful is not," Gimli shouted suddenly.

"It is the most horrible thing that was ever written," Merry assured him

"Frodo is a lunatic," Arwen tried to explain, "and unfortunately now that you are here you will soon go insane as well."

"Is this some sort of joke?" Tom Bombadil asked Gandalf.

"Ha!" Gandalf said in a stiff angry voice.

"I am beginning to get the impression that I have made some sort of disastrous mistake in coming here today," Tom Bombadil muttered more to himself then the rest of the group.

"You have no idea," Bilbo told him.

_While Frodo had been valiantly fighting the Mary Sues the stupid Merry and Pippin had gotten distracted by a bird and wandered off._

"Hey!" Merry and Pippin protested.

"You are easily distracted," Sam said to the other two hobbits.

"What is a Mary-?" Tom Bombadil began.

"DON'T ASK!" The entire room coursed as one.

"If you say so," Tom Bombadil said looking taken aback.

_But Merry and Pippin had been caught by an evil tree, who tried to eat them!_

"Ah yes," Tom Bombadil smiled, "I remember this!"

Tom Bombadil arrived just as Frodo and Sam did. He stepped forward bravely, to calm the tree with his voice and tell it to let Merry and Pippin go.

Tom Bombadil smiled completely unworried about what was coming next, though the rest of the listeners knew that whatever Frodo was about to say was not going to be what Tom Bombadil expected him to say.

_Just then Old Man Willow stood up and drew a gigantic sword of wood. Poor Tom Bombadil could no longer get the tree to do as he said._

"Beware the power of splinters!" Pippin cackled.

"A sword made of wood?" Aragorn repeated. "Wouldn't that just be a club?"

"At the very least a sharp club," Glorfindel nodded.

_"All is lost!" The frightened Tom Bombadil cried._

"This is how I am repaid from those who I have saved?" The real Tom Bombadil lamented.

_Luckily for them Frodo was there to save the day. He may not have been able to talk the trees into submission like Tom Bombadil but Frodo could use his mad tree fighting skills to defeat them in combat._

"Mad tree fighting skills?" Legolas asked in a stunned voice.

"I think Frodo might have gone even more insane then you," Gimli mused to his elf friend.

"I did not even believe that such a thing was possible," Merry gasped.

_Though Frodo should have continued on his way Tom Bombadil was not ready to let him leave._

_"I can not even bear the thought of being separated from you so soon," Tom Bombadil sobbed uncontrollably._

The real Tom Bombadil said nothing aloud, but based on the hungry way he was eyeing the door that he would not mind being separated from Frodo now. Of course he wasn't the only one feeling that way so no one was surprised.

_"I don't want to be separated from him either," Sam whimpered._

"I can not believe I was sad when you moved to Undying Lands," Sam grumbled.

"I should have run away and moved to the Misty Mountains to become a reclusive hermit who never had any visits from friends or relatives when I had the chance," Bilbo groaned, "now I have to live with my lunatic nephew and lunatic friends forever."

"It is okay Bilbo," Arwen consoled him, "I too suddenly found myself living with a crazy person."

"Is she talking about me?" Aragorn asked Gimli in a confused voice.

"She most certainly is," Gimli told him solemnly.

_"Oh great Frodo," Tom Bombadil cried suddenly, "perhaps you could come and spend the night at my house!"_

"He makes it sound as if it were a slumber party," Merry said.

"Yeah," Pippin added, "our lives were in danger. We did not go there to gossip and braid each others hair."

"Although in all fairness," Sam pointed out, "there was singing."

_"Oh Frodo if you would come it would make me the happiest being to ever exist ever!"_

"Are we sure that this is really Frodo and not some minion of darkness that looks like him?" Tom Bombadil asked in vain.

"It's Frodo all right," Gandalf sighed, "he is stark raving mad of course, but it is still him."

"Just checking," Tom Bombadil said with a sigh of his own.

"All right young Tommy," Frodo grinned indulgently, "I suppose we can come."

Tom Bombadil danced for joy.

"I might never dance again."

"Do you see what you have done Frodo?" Elrond asked. "You broke the poor man's spirit. No one thought it was possible but here we are."

"You should be ashamed of yourself," Rosie scolded. "You aren't, but you should be."

_Tom Bombadil led them to his home. There he introduced them to Goldberry. Then he went to make a splendid feast for Frodo to enjoy._

_Merry and Pippin were too busy passionately making out with each other to notice the growing attraction between Frodo and Goldberry._

Some in retaliation, and some just in the spirit of watching Merry and Pippin squirm began to sing a deafening chorus of "_Merry and Pippin kissing in a tree!_" in overly cheerful voices.

"I am going to sit over there," Merry said his face beat red.

"I'll go with you," Pippin said cheerfully.

"Pippin," Merry growled, "you sit over in the opposite corner."

"Oh," Pippin nodded, "I get it now." Pippin winked at Merry.

"It is not what it looks like," Merry said burying his face in his hands.

"Sure it isn't," Legolas chuckled. "Deny the passion all you want, we all have eyes and can see it for what it is."

"I would not be speaking if I were you," Merry growled, "the same could be said of your passionate relationship with Gimli."

"How bitter loathing melted away into a fiery love which defied the hatred of your two races," Glorfindel waxed poetically.

"Exactly," Merry said triumphantly.

Legolas and Gimli exchanged horrified looks before running into opposite corners of the room themselves.

_"Oh Frodo," Goldberry cooed, "just say the word and I will leave Tom Bombadil to come and live with you. I love you more then anything!"_

Many who had known Tom Bombadil for many long years had been convinced that the powerful man was incapable of honest to god rage. However, they had been very wrong. Frodo had crossed a line. Of course he had crossed many lines, but this one hit Tom Bombadil particularly hard.

"You," he thundered, "insane lunatic! You ungrateful… NUT JOB!"

Tom Bombadil continued to shout insults for a full hour. To most everyone's surprise he was able to come up with enough fresh insults that he never repeated himself once. It was, in all of their opinion, the most eloquent speech that they had ever heard. There was, however, the slight problem that a large part of it was unrepeatable due to the harsh language that Tom Bombadil had picked up.

"Now you've done it," Merry muttered to Frodo.

"Yeah," Pippin nodded awed, "even I never made anyone this angry." He thought about it for a second. "Except maybe Gandalf," he added, "but he died before he could really get around to yelling at me."

Tom Bombadil left Sam's house after ending his hour long rant. Over that hour Frodo had decided that it was better to just let Tom out, rather then risk any more yelling. The others watched jealously as Tom Bombadil literally danced out of sight singing a cheerful tune.

"If people thought that he was crazy before," Gandalf muttered, "they have no idea what he will be like after listening to Frodo's fanfiction."


	10. Super Boromir To The Rescue!

**Chapter #10:**

Boromir, formally a man a Gondor and now a ghost of wherever the hell he wanted to be, was not a coward despite what any former ranger turned King of Gondor said. And if Boromir was a coward, then at least he was a loyal friend type of coward.

After escaping from Sam and Rosie's house Boromir did not go and celebrate his narrow escape, (or if he did he did not celebrate for _long_.) Because Boromir knew that his trapped friends needed to be rescued from Frodo's insanity.

So Boromir set off on a quest, a quest the likes of Middle Earth had not seen since the Fellowship set off from Rivendell to destroy the One Ring and stop Sauron. Boromir was on a mission in order to find allies among his friends to save his other friends from their friend who was currently winning the most insane award.

And if you are wondering if Boromir was slightly confused by his own mission then… he really was.

The first friends who Boromir found were Elladan and Elrohir. Boromir told them of the plight their father, sister, and fake brother were in. For a minute the twins looked at each other, clearly communicating without speaking.

"We wish we could help," Elladan finally said, "but we can't."

"Can't," Boromir demanded, "or won't?"

"Well of course we truly want to help," Elrohir said, "but at the moment we are in the middle of a vital task."

"What vital task?" Boromir asked.

"To protect Rivendell," Elrohir replied.

"From what?" Boromir said crossing his arms and looking around skeptically. "I see no imminent threat."

"From those birds!" Elladan shouted wildly pointing up in the sky to a flock of birds flying overhead.

"Yes," Elrohir sighed glaring at his brother, "from those birds. We really must be off."

With that the sons of Elrond rode as fast as they could after the flock of birds. Boromir watched them go, deciding whether or not it was worth it to follow them. In the end he decided he was better off trying to find someone else to help.

Next Boromir visited Lothlorien, looking for Galadriel and Celeborn. Mysteriously, however, in a crazy random coincidence the Lady and Lord of Rivendell had left on vacation only a couple of minutes after Boromir had shown up looking for them.

"Perhaps you could help?" Boromir said to Haldir.

"I am very sorry Boromir," Haldir lamented, "but unfortunately I am struck by a rare elvish disease and cannot venture outside of Lothlorien."

"What is this disease called?" Boromir inquired.

"Uh…" Haldir looked around frantically, "umm… Mellon Disease."

"Isn't that the elvish word for friend?" Boromir asked suspiciously.

"I did not know that you had learned some elvish," Haldir told him looking shocked.

"I have a lot of free time now," Boromir explained.

Back at Sam's home Frodo was still telling his story.

_Tiring of staying in the presence of the weak and pathetic Tom Bombadil-_

"No one with the lung capacity to yell at Frodo for a whole hour can be called weak," Sam pointed out.

_- Frodo continued on his journey, the other three hobbits skipped merrily after him._

"Let me just state for the record," Merry said, "that there was absolutely no skipping on the very dangerous and very quest to save Middle Earth. Right Pippin?"

Merry looked around to see that behind him to see that Pippin was skipping around the room humming under his breath. Everyone in the room burst into laughter. Pippin stopped to look at everyone.

"You need a new sidekick," Glorfindel advised Merry with a chuckle.

"What?" Pippin said innocently. "Skipping is fun!"

"Is anyone here interested in being my new sidekick?" Merry asked everyone.

"Check back with us when there is five feet of snow in Mordor," Gimli snorted.

"That means no right?" Merry sighed.

"You _are_ the smart one," Gimli patted him on the back.

Meanwhile Boromir was still running across Middle Earth trying to find help. After several more unsuccessful attempts to gather help Boromir decided that there was nothing left but to turn to his family. Boromir therefore went to where Faramir and Eowyn were living.

"Hello Eowyn," Boromir greeted his sister-in-law as he entered. "Where is Faramir? I have a favor I need to ask of him." Boromir peered around the room but did not see his brother anywhere.

"He heard you were coming from Theoden as he was running away you so Faramir hid," Eowyn explained rolling her eyes. "We know why you are here and he does not think he can say no to you."

"Faramir is hiding?" Boromir asked.

"In the chest where we keep the spare blankets," Eowyn said pointing to the chest in question.

"Eowyn," Faramir whined, "shut up." His voice was muffled and coming from within the chest.

"So that is why there are blankets thrown all around the room," Boromir said. "I was worried that it was some sort of… game to be played in the bedroom. I may be a ghost but some things can still leave scars you know."

"You have a dirty mind," Eowyn informed him icily.

"So," Boromir said with an evil grin, "Faramir does not think he can say no to me?"

"Oh Boromir please do not ask him," Eowyn sighed, "my husband is fragile."

"Am not," Faramir grumbled from his hiding place.

"Listening to another horrible fanfic may damage his mind beyond repair," Eowyn continued ignoring her husband.

"Some may argue that it is already too late for him," Boromir pointed out. His comment was met only with a glare. "But if he does not help me," Boromir continued, "I do not know who else I can ask."

"Look," Eowyn said softly, "I have an idea as to who you can get to help you, but no one will like it so you can not tell them it was my idea."

"I will not say a word," he promised.

Still speaking in a soft voice Eowyn told Boromir who he should get to help him.

"That is impossible," Boromir replied, "he would never help."

"Just tell him that if he does not my uncle will spend the next hundred years haunting him." They both shuddered at the thought. Theoden's idea of haunting was to yell nonstop at his victim. It was not a pleasant thing.

"Thank you Eowyn," Boromir bowed to her, "I will try your suggestion. Goodbye!" Boromir swooped out of the room without another word.

"Is he gone?" Faramir asked from inside of the chest.


	11. Ask Me About My SECRET DESTINY

_**Author's Note:**_

_So I sort of screwed up when I posted chapter ten. I had that written for a while, but hadn't meant to use it so early. But I had it done and didn't have anything else so I posted it anyway. Now my outline is a little messed up, but I think I have it set now. Unfortunately Boromir and his mystery guest probably won't show up for a couple of chapters._

**Chapter #11:**

Unaware that Boromir was rushing, (or possibly walking in a sluggish manner dragging his transparent feet to lengthen each of his steps), to their rescue the group of former sane and heroic saviors of Middle Earth were still listening to Frodo's fanfiction.

_The brave magnificent Frodo led his three worshipers-_

Sam, Merry, and Pippin made identical faces of disgust.

"That is the worst insult Frodo has said about you three yet," Aragorn laughed.

"Yeah," Merry nodded looking miserable, "dumb, ugly, and doglike I could take. But being called a worshipper of Frodo is just too much to bear."

_- went into the town of Bree. There Frodo was greeted like a hero. They held a parade in his honor and gave him wonderful gifts to show how much they loved him._

"That does not sound like Bree at all," Gandalf snorted.

"The greatest tribute they would give anyone there would be a pint of ale and a bawdy tavern song in their honor," Aragorn added.

_After Frodo had grown bored with the attention-_

"Like that would ever happen," Pippin said rolling his eyes.

_- Frodo and the other three made their way to the Prancing Pony. Frodo's awesomeness told him that Gandalf was not there._

"I was not aware that awesomeness could tell someone anything," Gimli said.

"My awesomeness tells me things all the time," Legolas told him.

"No," Gimli replied, "those are the voices. Your shrink told you not the listen to them. Remember?"

"I'm not listening," Legolas said in a sing-song voice putting his hands over his ears. "La-la-la-la-la!"

"I hope he is just kidding around," Arwen said looking worried.

As a whole the group decided that it was just better off if they didn't know whether it was a joke or not. After a few minutes Legolas stopped "la-la-la-ing" and Frodo was able to continue the story.

_"What is that smell?" Sam asked as soon as they had entered the Prancing Pony._

_"It's horrible," Merry coughed._

"Oh," Glorfindel grinned, "I think I know who it is!"

_It was a disgustingly dirty man, clearly drunk, wearing a shirt that said: "__**My name is Aragorn. Ask me about my secret destiny as a smelly king**__." A horrible stench was coming from the man in pungent waves._

"Aw," Glorfindel groaned, "I was wrong. I was sure it would be Gandalf."

"You think I smell?" Gandalf asked with narrowed eyes.

"Glorfindel," Elrond almost yelled drowning at the angry wizard, "have you even been listening to these stories?"

"I get distracted," Glorfindel shrugged.

"You think I smell?" Gandalf repeated.

"I do not think I actually said that," Glorfindel said trying to look innocent.

_"Hey," the man who the hobbits assumed was Aragorn cried pulling himself to his feet, "hobbits! There have to be twenty hobbits here! You know if one of you are carrying a ring then I am here to pave you. No that is wrong. I meant save you." The man's words were slurred almost beyond recognition. When he had finished speaking he began to giggle uncontrollably._

"Have you forgotten Frodo that I really did save your life?" Aragorn demanded.

"Actually you have really saved him several times," Gimli pointed out.

_"That man is so smelly," Pippin said in amazement._

"It is not fair!" Aragorn screeched. "Why do they all tease me?"

"Probably because you are quite amusing when you flip out," Legolas said.

Aragorn fumed silently.

"There, there," Arwen soothed patting her husband's arm, "when we get back to Gondor we will have Bob walk around the city proclaiming your greatness until you feel better. You loved that last time you were depressed."

"Poor Bob," Gandalf muttered.

_"What is your name?" Pippin asked._

"That is a dangerous question," Gimli chuckled, "this man could spend hours answering."

"He is wearing a name tag!" Rosie yelled at the real Pippin. "What are you thinking you idiot?!?"

"It's not me," Pippin reminded her desperately, "I may not be Middle Earth's brightest star but give me a little credit."

"Yeah," Merry added, "you should know that Pippin is one of the few people I know who has never thrown up after he drinks a lot. In fact he's probably never thrown up in his life."

"That doesn't mean he's not an idiot!" Rosie yelled.

"I agree," Gandalf laughed while Pippin sulked.

"I'm sorry," Rosie sighed, "I'm just under a little stress. My house just got taken over by a crazy person."

"I can give you a couple of tips," Elrond told her, "just a few things I did that which helped me get through it when this happened to me. Now we're going to need to find some squishy disgusting items that Frodo would not enjoy having placed in his bed..."

Rosie and Elrond began talking in soft voices as they stepped away from the main group. Frodo considered trying to get them to come back, but in the end just settled with reading louder.

_"My name is Arag-"_

_The man stopped with a horrified gasp, turning away from the hobbits._

"He must have taken one look at Frodo and realized how insane he is," Arwen said.

"I don't think that is something that you can tell about a person at first glance," Glorfindel said thoughtfully. "Then again…" Glorfindel began to study Frodo intensely. "I guess it is possible," he concluded finally.

_"Oh no, that's supposed to be a secret." The man seemed to be under the impression that by turning away from the hobbits they could no longer hear him. However, since he spoke quite loudly they could hear it all perfectly. "They can't know that I am Aragorn. I cannot reveal to them my secret destiny to be King of Gondor. That is information that I cannot allow them to know. Stupid Aragorn, stupid smelly Aragorn."_

"See," Legolas shouted standing up and pointing at Aragorn, "he was insane BEFORE I read my story! I did not drive him insane!"

"All right," Gimli said, "so you didn't cause Aragorn's insanity. What about the rest of us hmm?"

Legolas sank back into his chair muttering darkly.

_"My name isn't Aragorn," Aragorn announced turning back to face the hobbits. "It's… It is… uh… well… It is… ummm-"_

"He has such a way with words," Merry said as he walked over to Aragorn and pinched his cheek.

In a second Merry was on the ground with Aragorn stepping on him.

"Rosie," Merry yelled, "Aragorn is rough housing!"

"He can do whatever he wants as long as he does not hurt the house," she called back without looking over.

_Aragorn pulled a slip of paper out of his pocket and read it._

_"My name is Stripper- sorry I mean my name is Strider. Strider the Smelly who is not Aragorn."_

"And now I have a mental picture of Aragorn as a stripper," Gimli said in a hollow voice, "and it will haunt me forever."

Everyone in the room turned some shade that was not their normal shade. Legolas turned red. Merry turned pale. Aragorn himself turned green. Elrond turned blue, due to the fact that he was no longer breathing. Arwen was the only one who did not react with horror. On the contrary she looked intrigued by the idea.

_"You know your nametag says something different," Sam pointed out dully. Frodo didn't bother trying to reason with the man, who was clearly as insane as he was smelly._

"The smelly thing always sets him off," Arwen muttered as Aragorn began rocking back and forth slowly with a manic look creeping into his eyes.

Aragorn went from just rocking to laughing in the blink of an eye. The entire room moved away from him in one synchronized movement.

"If Frodo had any sense left in his head at this moment he would lay off on the smelly talk," Gandalf commented.

_And this man was incredibly, incredibly, extremely, incredibly smelly. Through the course of the hobbits' conversation with the smelly man all of the plants in the pub had died from the incredibly, incredibly, extremely, incredibly smelly smell._

"And thus Frodo proves how far he has sunk," Gandalf said shaking his head.

"Those are some of the most stupid sentences I have ever heard," Rosie complained. "I would not mind this story if it was either really bad writing or really outrageous lies but both is just too much to stomach."

_"I can not take the smell anymore!" The owner of the pub shouted. The other people there applauded… at least those of them who had not passed out from the-_

"- rabbits attacking people with clubs!" Pippin guessed wildly.

_-smell._

"Mine was better," Pippin grumbled.

"Yours was insane," Elrond pointed out.

"But clever," Pippin defended himself.

The laughter greeting this statement drowned out the insane laughter coming from Aragorn.

_"Get out!" Butterbur yelled. "Get out and never bring your smelly self back!"_

_"Quick," Smelly Strider cried to the hobbits, "the Ringwraiths are attacking! We must flee for safety."_

_Of course Sam, Merry, and Pippin were just dumb enough to believe him._

"Well if they are dumb enough to worship Frodo they're probably dumb enough to believe just about anything," Glorfindel said with a shrug. "It's the same thing with dwarves. If a person knows that they are crazy enough to live underground then the fact that they wear those crazy beards should not come as a shock."

"Any elf who thinks that romance novels are the height of literature should not be calling anything anyone else does crazy," Gimli roared.

"Have you ever read a romance novel?" Glorfindel asked. "They are poignant and deeply moving."

"I can not believe that this is the sort of thing that the heroes of Middle Earth debate when they get together," Rosie said shaking her head.

"It is true," Arwen nodded, "I have been thinking of publishing a tell-all book. I think it would sell very well. I want to call it: _Many Names, Many Secrets, One King_."

"But it would not be about me right?" Aragorn asked.

Arwen did not answer.

"Right?" Aragorn asked again.


	12. A Quick Stop At Weathertop

**Chapter #12:**

_Frodo was now not only leading Merry, Pippin, and Sam but also Aragorn who was forcing them all to call him Strider. Unfortunately Aragorn thought that he was leading, and the others were dumb enough to follow him. Poor Frodo was forced to just go along with everyone else._

"Oh yes poor Frodo," Aragorn said in a mocking tone, "being forced to follow a talented and incredibly capable ranger who knew exactly what he was doing."

"But I thought that you were the only ranger in the group," Glorfindel said wrinkling his nose in confusion, "who are you talking about?"

Aragorn's face became crestfallen. A second later he had resumed rocking, although this time he moaned instead of laughing.

"I actually knew he was talking about himself," Glorfindel whispered to Gandalf, "I was just messing with him."

_"So where are we going?" Frodo asked. It was not that he didn't trust the ranger, except that he really didn't. Not even a little._

"I trusted you," Sam assured Aragorn patting him on the shoulder.

"Yes but you are also best friends with Frodo," Aragorn pouted, "so I can't really trust you."

_"We are going to Rivendumb," Aragorn told them._

"Ha!" Gimli laughed nudging Elrond with his elbow. "Rivendumb! Now that's funny."

_"I think you mean Rivendell," Frodo corrected with more patience than any other being could have ever mustered._

_"Yuck," Sam grimaced, "Rivendell. I hate elves they are no where near as cool as Frodo."_

"That is the exact opposite of what I said," Sam told them.

_"Yeah elves suck," Aragorn told the startled hobbits, "always complaining about one thing or another."_

"Yes of course," Elrond sighed, "I can understand how annoying my constantly trying to save Middle Earth must be to those around me."

_"Of course this girlfriend of mine is the worst."_

"Oh really?" Arwen's voice had become deadly as she turned to face her husband. Aragorn gulped and asked himself what he had done to deserve this.

"This is Frodo's mad delusion," Aragorn protested, "I would never call you annoying."

_"I can't wait to break up with her," Aragorn continued, "I'm going to break her heart into a thousand pieces. It's going to be spectacular. I'll bet she cries." Aragorn laughed cruelly._

Aragorn had always known that the subject of their "break-up" was not one that should be discussed, (unless Aragorn _wanted_ to sleep on the couch for a week). Though he had known this, he hadn't really been aware of how narrow his beloved wife's eyes would become once the subject was broached.

"Did you speak to four hobbits who you had just met about our relationship?" she asked.

"Never!"

"Except that one night when you told us about her," Pippin pointed out. Clearly he was not realizing how dangerous it was to get in the middle of the couples' spat. Both royal monarchs turned slowly to face the oblivious hobbit.

"Pippin!"

"Did you tell them that you were going to break up with me?" Arwen demanded.

"Let us get one thing straight," Aragorn said as he fought to remain calm. "I broke up with you to protect you. I mean honestly Arwen you had a chance at immortal life and I give you the go ahead to live your never ending life and you act all hurt and insulted. I was trying to be a good boyfriend!"

Arwen crossed her arms and glared. It was clear that this argument was not going to sway her opinion.

"I guess I won't be the only one sleeping on the sofa," Sam whispered to Bilbo.

"It was a self sacrifice!" Aragorn tried again.

"One that you were unable to go through with in the end," Elrond reminded him, "making the whole thing just an episode of emotional turmoil and pain that was completely unnecessary."

"Put that way I think that Elrond has a point," Gimli muttered.

"I can not win," Aragorn groaned dropping his head into his hands.

"You did not realize this sooner?" Legolas asked. "My friend this should not be new for you."

_They walked for a long time. Although the others soon became exhausted Frodo continued to have the strength of armies. Frodo was so magnificent he did not even sweat like everyone else._

"As someone who traveled with Frodo," Pippin said, "I can safely assure everyone that Frodo does indeed sweat. In fact I can say with absolute certainty that EVERYONE in the Fellowship sweats. A lot. And it smells really bad."

"Thank you Pippin," Aragorn growled, "we get it."

_Aragorn and the other three hobbits were soon so exhausted that they were forced to stop to catch their breath. They stopped at __Tower of Amon Sûl on Weathertop. Of course the others did not know its history, Frodo was well aware._

"And after that Frodo was defeated by that Ringwraith!" Aragorn shouted in an excited voice. "There is no way that Frodo can make himself sound heroic when telling about this!"

_From there they continued to travel to Rivendell with hardly any problems at all. There was just a minor incident during which the magnificent Frodo incurred a small injury when he was stabbed by a Morgul blade. This of course detracted in no way from his brilliance. The event was minuscule, however, so there is no use in relating the story._

"It was not a minuscule event!" Sam yelled. "It was vital to the story!"

"Hmm," Legolas mused, "that is an interesting narrative choice. I would have just lied about the whole thing."

"We know," Arwen said.

_And so ignoring his severe, and yet because he is so awesome unimportant, injury Frodo and his group continued their journey to Rivendell. It was uneventful._

"He basically said that already," Rosie pointed out.

"Also Frodo would not know what happened between Amon Sûl and Rivendell," Sam said, "because he was either unconscious, delirious, or sobbing in pain the whole time."

"Such fond memories," Merry sighed.

_Then as the injured Frodo led his team they came across the most unexpected sight._

"Sauron planting a garden of pink flowers that sing lullabies to the fairies!" Pippin exclaimed.

"An ent running race," Gandalf suggested.

"Three petrified trolls," Bilbo said, "with the phrase 'Bilbo was here!' carved into their foreheads."

"King Gimli's castle which is made entirely of mithril and meat!" Gimli said through maniacal laughter.

"An actual sane person!" Elrond shouted.

"Impossible," Aragorn scoffed.

"I hear they still exist somewhere," Elrond told him.

_It was two elves, they had been stabbed by a Morgul blade, though they were not faring half as well as Frodo was._

"That sounds pretty bad," Rosie commented, "but compared to other problems it is not that horrible."

_They were also surrounded by an army of Mary Sues and Ringwraiths._

"Never mind," Rosie muttered.

"The Sues!" Sam shrieked. "The Sues! They burn me with their evil!"

_It was up to Frodo to save them!_

"They are doomed," Glorfindel chuckled.

"Yes," Bilbo said thoughtfully, "but who are they?"

All the elves in the room began looking at each other, feeling a creeping sense of paranoia coming over them. The non-elves in the room were all chuckling amongst themselves, as well as several heartfelt prayers of thanks to any deity they could think of.


	13. Sporks, Head Injuries, and Evil Cousins

_**Author's Note:**_

_Thanks to everyone who is still reading! It may not have been all that quick of an update but I think this is one of the longest chapter I've ever managed to write. I think I have the whole story outlined. I'm fairly certain that there will be two more chapters in the story. It's really a lot of fun to write this. I would certainly love to write another though with my history of infrequent updates I'm thinking of just sticking to one-shots with each one focusing on a different character. Would anyone be interested in reading something like that? Anyway I hope everyone enjoys the new chapters. Please review!_

**Chapter #13:**

Frodo continued on with his story while the elves tried to guess who Frodo was talking about.

_The two elves were hugging each other and crying from the fear and the pain. Their high pitched screeches were ear splitting, hurting even the ringwraiths and the Mary Sues. Pathetic tears ran down their faces creating a puddle at their feet. It just went to show how weak elves were. They may be immortal, but they really were not good at all at doing anything other than writing poetry, singing, and making boring speeches._

Frodo continued on this theme of the horrible defects of elves for fifteen minutes. This had an unsettling effect on the elves in the room.

Elrond had begun shouting at Frodo in elvish. Those in the room who could understand it winced at the words, though even those who did not understand what he was saying got the general idea of the speech. Elrond waved his arms around as he yelled causing the sleeves of his robes to flap like wings.

Arwen was attempting to tackle Frodo. This very out of character behavior had left those near her to gape in shock. The only reason that Arwen was not having success in her attempts to do physical harm to Frodo was the fact that Aragorn was holding her back and attempting to reason with her. It was not working.

"I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here." Legolas repeated over and over again with his hands over his eyes. Legolas had decided to hide, thinking wildly that the old saying, "_Out of sight, out of mind_" might just apply to this situation. He was underneath the kitchen table, trying to conceal himself behind the legs of a chair. It was not a great attempt at hiding, and was mocked by Merry and Pippin.

On the other side of the room Glorfindel was being beaten with a frying pan, wielded by Rosie. In Glorfindel's mad attempt to get away he had begun trying to smash through the wall using Gimli's helmet. Glorfindel dropped the helmet as he shielded his head from the blows and Gimli picked it up and joined Rosie in hitting Glorfindel. After a couple of minutes Sam managed to drag Rosie away while Gandalf forced Gimli to back off. Glorfindel remained sprawled on the ground with a dopey expression on his face.

"I think you broke him," Sam said to his wife.

"He was trying to destroy my house," Rosie defended herself.

"And he stole my helmet," Gimli added, "a despicable crime."

Finally a relative calm descended over the room. Elrond ran out of breath and threw himself onto a sofa breathing heavily. Arwen sat down next to him, still angry, but once again in control of herself. Legolas was dragged out of his hiding place by Merry and Pippin. Finally Glorfindel was helped over into a chair.

"Happy Birthday," he muttered vaguely to Gandalf.

_The hero Frodo did not allow the high pitched shrieking or the disgusting puddle of tears stop him from going to the rescue of the two elves. To make the battle last longer, and be more evenly matched, Frodo defeated the army of Mary Sues and the Ringwraiths using a spork-_

"Using a what?" Aragorn asked looking confused.

"It is a sort of half spoon half fork hybrid," Bilbo explained. "I have always been fascinated by them. I even thought about including a chapter about them in my book, but in the end left it out because it caused the plot to drag."

"They are useful," Pippin added, "because it saves time when you are eating. Rather than having to stop and switch utensils when you go from eating a piece of chicken to eating some delicious mushroom soup. And, as I'm sure you all know, those extra few seconds are very important. You can squeeze a lot of food into a few seconds."

"Hobbits," Gandalf muttered under his breath.

_- a spork which he had been given in Bree for his incredibleness. However, even with the spork as his only weapon Frodo was still able to win the battle in half a minute._

"Oh please," Sam snorted, "if Frodo was capable of moving that fast our journey to destroy the ring would have been over in time for dinner."

_With the armies defeated Frodo proceeded to heal the two elves using his Magic-Healing-Touch._

"Frodo if you really have a Magic-Healing-Touch then how about healing Glorfindel here," Gandalf said pointing at the still woozy elf.

"I'm a birdie," Glorfindel announced.

"All right," Elrond snapped standing up, "which one of you morons managed to cause Glorfindel- the guy that once slayed a Balrog- to suffer a severe head trauma?"

Rosie pointed at Gimli and Gimli pointed at Rosie. Elrond glared at them, making a growling noise, before turning and walking over to Glorfindel.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" He asked holding out three fingers.

"Worms!" Glorfindel cried trying to grab Elrond's fingers.

"I hate so much more about my life than I ever thought possible," Elrond sighed.

_Once the elves were healed they immediately began to praise Frodo._

"Clearly they are still delirious," Merry laughed.

_As it turns out they had been out in the woods trying to find Frodo, whose help they desperately needed._

_"Oh glorious Frodo," the first elf said, "my name is Arwen."_

"Damn it!" Arwen shouted pounding her fist down in anger. She missed the arm of the sofa and hit Aragorn's hand. Aragorn snatched his hand up with a cry of pain.

_"And I am Glorfindel," the second elf said with a low bow._

"What's a Glorfindel?" Glorfindel asked.

Arwen muttered something under her breath. Pippin wondered vaguely what "_Lucky custard_" had to do with anything.

_Since the two elves were still extremely weak Frodo offered to carry them both back to Rivendell. Aragorn, Sam, Merry, and Pippin followed feeling incredibly jealous of the two elves. They all secretly wished that they had been injured so Frodo would carry them too._

"Yeah right," Merry snorted.

Aragorn opened his mouth.

"You wouldn't be about to make fun of me would you?" Arwen asked before he could say anything.

"… No…" Aragorn said after a long pause.

"Good," Arwen said.

_When Frodo arrived in Rivendell he found that the entire place was prepared to welcome him. There were banners and flowers and food and singing and countless other things designed to honor Frodo._

X

Just then Frodo caught sight of an ugly, old, decrepit looking elf. He tottered over to Frodo, trembling with excitement.

"That's my father Elrond," Arwen told Frodo, "he has been waiting his whole life just for a chance to gaze upon you oh most wonderful Frodo."

The great elf Lord's face had become a deep shade of red. He took a deep breath and everyone in the room covered their ears. However even though Elrond's mouth began moving, no words came out. His intense anger had caused him to lose his voice. The group let out a sigh of relief that came out as a single breath.

_"I have prepared a poem to welcome you with," Elrond announced._

No one in the group was able to hear whatever horrible poetry Frodo had written for his story since it was at that moment that Elrond regained his voice. His yelling drowned Frodo's voice out. When he finally stopped there was an odd ringing in the ears of everyone in the house.

"Remind me never to make Elrond angry," Pippin said to Merry.

"What? Merry yelled over the ringing.

"Never mind," Pippin said with a shrug, "I'm sure I'll remember."

_"Come with me magnificent Frodo," Elrond said motioning Frodo out into a courtyard, "I would like to introduce you to some of the other visitors who are also here. If they see that you are friends with me then I just know they will think I'm cool."_

"Oh Elrond," Gimli chuckled, "are you worried about not fitting in? Afraid of being teased by the other kids in school?"

"Go dig a cave," Elrond snapped.

_Elrond led the group into the courtyard tottering and stumbling around as he went. There was a figure standing near the entrance of the courtyard. As they neared the figure Aragorn drew his sword suddenly._

_"An orc in Rivendell!" He shouted pointing wildly._

_"No, no," Elrond chuckled, "that is just an elf named Legolas."_

_"He's hideous!" Sam gasped._

_"What is wrong with his face?" Merry asked._

_"I think it fell off," Pippin mused._

_Legolas ran away balling his eyes out, which really did nothing to help his disgusting appearance._

"What the-! How could-? But I-! Who would-?" Legolas stammered. His normally expressionless face was becoming splotchy and red.

"He's going to blow!" Bilbo shouted as Legolas continued to splutter incomprehensibly. Many of the listeners had already ducked behind furniture long before Bilbo's warning.

"I'm telling my father about this!" Legolas cried in a shrill voice once he could speak again.

The house shook with laughter at this statement. Legolas resumed his inarticulate stuttering adding wild gestures which made him appear even more comical. There was no room on the floor to stand because so many of the listeners were rolling around on it.

"Thranduil is going to get a big kick out of this," Elrond predicted to Gandalf.

"I can not wait to tell him," Gandalf nodded.

_Elrond continued to lead them through the courtyard, with Legolas following them. Sam suddenly fell in a heap to the ground._

_"I think I tripped over something," he said as Frodo helped him to his feet, "it must have been something really tiny."_

_"Oh that is just Gimli," Elrond said pointing down at the ground, "he's a dwarf."_

"You smug arrogant lunatic!" Gimli roared. "Hobbits do not tower over dwarves! You have no right to call me tiny!"

"But I can call you tiny all I want," Legolas grinned.

"I did not say that you pointy-eared idiot!" Gimli shouted.

_"The sky is blue," the ugly elf Legolas announced out of the blue._

_"Shut up Legolas," Elrond snapped, "nobody cares."_

"It is easy to tell how insane this story is," Legolas began, "based on the lack of respect that-"

"Shut up Legolas," the real Elrond snapped, "nobody cares."

"Uh-oh," Rosie said, "if Frodo's story is actually realistic in some way then that can not be a good sign."

"It probably just means that the sky is about to fall," Sam shrugged.

"We have faced worse," Gimli added. "Remember Aragorn's Christmas story?"

"Thanks for reminding me," Merry sighed, "I was having such success suppressing the memory."

"You were having success suppressing something?" Elrond asked. "How?"

"It involves drinking and denial."

Just at that moment a ghostly figure burst through the door.

"Everything's going to be all right," he announced to the group, "I'm here now."

"Oh look," Aragorn sneered, "it's Boromir the coward of Gondor."

"For your information it's Boromir the coward of wherever the hell I want to be thank you very much. Also if I am a coward then you are super smelly."

Aragorn lunged at Boromir, trying to strangle him but not succeeding because his hands went right through the ghost's incorporeal neck. Grumbling the King of Gondor sat back down. Boromir stuck out his tongue.

"Welcome back Boromir," Rosie said in a falsely polite voice through what was surely gritted teeth, "always a pleasure to have Sam's friends here."

"Do not fear gentle lady," Boromir said with a bow, "I am here to rescue you all."

The laughter that sounded from everyone in the room including Frodo ruined this grand statement. Several people in the room were tearing up with laughter, while Gimli had fallen off of his chair. Boromir decided to pretend that he had not heard the laughter and continue.

"In order to do so I have brought someone to help me," he said. Looking back and seeing the no one had followed him into the room Boromir stuck his hand outside of the door and waved at someone on the other side.

Through the door stepped another ghost.

"Hey look," Pippin said waving to the newcomer, "it's Gandalf's twin brother who died!"

"You fool!" The new figure spoke in a deeply insulted tone.

"That is not my twin brother," Gandalf roared at Pippin, "I do not have a twin brother. That is **Saruman**!"

"The dead and evil white wizard," Merry explained to Pippin.

"Gandalf's cousin," Pippin nodded.

"I knew this was a mistake," Saruman muttered.


	14. Polly The Eagle

_**Author's Note:**_

_ Okay so the next chapter is probably going to be the last for this story. It may take some time because I really want it to be good. It also might take some time because I am awful at updating quickly. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciate people sticking with this story even when I am so erratic about updating. I hope that you all enjoy the chapter._

**Chapter #14:**

Saruman had made many mistakes in his life. Choosing to wear only white robes when your main servants were orcs with a severely limited idea of how to do laundry properly. Deciding to make Orthanc his base of operations even though it was nearly a day's ride away from the closest pub. Not to mention that time he had thrown his lot in with the forces of evil.

Those mistakes were not looking so bad compared to the mistake that Saruman had made in going to the Shire.

Saruman was standing in front of a group of his former enemies. All of them were either babbling incoherently or bickering amongst themselves. Frodo was the only one who had any semblance of calm, sitting in a chair holding a large stack of parchment. All in all the group looked much less fierce and heroic then he remembered from the days of the war.

"Tell them that I don't worship Frodo," Gandalf said coming over to him, "and that I am very intelligent."

"I will not," Saruman told him, "we do not like each other. Remember? I tried to kill you. Does that ring a bell?"

"After the day that I am having," Gandalf told him solemnly, "I may trust my enemies more then my friends."

"Do you trust me?" Merry asked.

"Not now," Gandalf answered.

"What about me?" Pippin added.

"Not now and not ever."

"What is it with you hero types and insanity?" Saruman asked in amazement.

"According to the shrink that I have been working with," Legolas said at once, "our bursts of 'abnormal behavior' are a result of the intense pressure that has been placed on us during our lives."

"Wow," Saruman said in surprise, "I was not even sure that he was capable of talking without something written down for him to read. Was he able to talk during the War of the Ring or is this something recent?"

"I do not like you," Legolas said to Saruman.

"That is because I am evil and rather clever when it comes to insults," Saruman shot back with a smug smile.

_ "Oh Frodo," Elrond said as they continued their tour, "here is someone else who I want you to meet."_

"Uh oh," Aragorn said, "looks like someone else is about to be mocked."

"Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me," Boromir said wringing his hands together nervously.

_ "This is Boromir."_

"Damn you Frodo!" Boromir shouted.

_ "He comes from this weird place called Gondor," Elrond continued. "He is very interested in learning about the One Ring. He has asked us many questions about it, and I told him that you were really the best person to ask."_

_ "Yes, yes," Boromir cackled, "I want to know everything. Everything!"_

"Wait a second," Boromir spluttered, "is Frodo trying to imply that I am evil."

_ Boromir was hunched over. It was unclear whether it was because he was just sloppy or because he was trying to get a better look at the One Ring which hung around Frodo's neck. His eyes glittered evilly, and his greasy hair dripped ominously onto his shoulders._

"I am not evil!" Boromir roared.

"You sound sort of evil now," Legolas pointed out.

"No I sound angry," Boromir corrected him, "angry because Frodo is implying that I am evil!"

_ Frodo could tell that Boromir was evil. Boromir was very evil._

"Now he is saying that you are evil outright," Gimli said.

"I died to protect that little snot and this is how he repays me," Boromir growled.

_ Realizing that Frodo could see through his act Boromir stalked away, holding his clock up to cover half of his face sinisterly._

"I wish I was dead," Boromir sobbed.

"In that case," Pippin told him, "I have good news. You are dead!"

Boromir sobbed harder.

"I thought that would cheer him up," Pippin whispered to Merry.

"It is not so bad," Merry said comfortingly to Boromir, "at least you died before you heard of fanfiction and went insane. I sort of envy you."

"You really mean that?" Boromir asked.

"Sure," Merry said making patting motions around the area of Boromir's shoulder, "you will be remembered for centuries as: _Boromir_: _A Captain of Gondor_ and _Not Crazy At The Time Of His Death_."

"I was not crazy during my first death," Glorfindel spoke up, "do you think people will remember that?"

"Not really," Merry answered.

"Aww," Glorfindel moaned.

"You sound as if you're feeling better," Sam said to Glorfindel.

"As in you don't sound insane anymore," Rosie added.

"Are you kidding?" Glorfindel asked. "I feel worse now that I can comprehend what Frodo is saying. Someone hit me on the head again."

"Oh no," Gimli said, "it's not fair if you get to be unaware while the rest of us remain mentally aware enough to understand Frodo's story."

"We could all hit each other on the head," Pippin suggested.

"There is no way that we are going to do that," Aragorn said.

"Okay everyone listen up," Frodo announced, "it is time for me to continue my story."

"On second thought," Aragorn muttered thoughtfully.

_ Suddenly a massive eagle swooped down to where Frodo was. His name was Polly the Eagle._

"Not even close," Gandalf sighed, "the eagle's name is Gwaihir. Which is similar to Polly in the way that elves are similar to slugs."

"So they are pretty closely related," Gimli chuckled.

_ The wonderful Frodo lifted his arm and the eagle calmly landed on it, nuzzling Frodo with affection and love. Despite the fact that the eagle was fairly large for an eagle Frodo was able to support it's weight on his arm with ease._

"If this ever gets back to Gwaihir Frodo is going to get his eyes pecked out," Gandalf commented.

"No complaints here," Rosie said, "in fact I think it would improve his writing considerably."

_Everyone else in Rivendell were panicked by the sight of the eagle._

_ "It is so big and scary and fierce," Elrond said shaking in terror and clutching his chest._

_ "Oh Frodo be careful," Arwen cautioned him as she shrunk away from the scary bird._

"Elves do not get scared!" All of the elves in the room shouted together.

"Especially not me!" Arwen said with a withering glare that made everyone else shrink away from her. Frodo, completely engrossed in the pieces of parchment in his hands, did not notice.

_ The bird began to chirp earnestly-_

"I doubt that Gwaihir has ever chirped," Sam commented, "ever in his life."

_ - and Frodo leaned in to listen. He was able to understand the bird because of the noble bearing that Frodo possessed, which made him technically part eagle himself._

The idea of Frodo with feathers and a beak made everyone in the room laugh.

"Squawk! Squawk!" Gimli cried flapping his arms and hopping in place as if he was a bird. "I'm Frodo and if you give me the One Ring I'll fly it all the way to Mount Doom!"

"I can not remember," Glorfindel said, "is flight a new power for Frodo or did he have it before?"

"Well he has the power of general awesomeness," Elrond answered, "and I sort of assumed that flight was part of that."

_ When Polly the Eagle had finished chirping to Frodo the magnificent Frodo turned to tell the gathered heroes what the eagle had told him. Polly had said that the nasty old wizard Saruman had managed to capture Gandalf._

"I do not know how I feel about the adjective _nasty_," Saruman commented, "it does not sound really evil, just sort of vaguely naughty."

_ Saruman had captured Gandalf by placing a painting of Frodo, (looking particularly heroic), on the top of his tower and then trapping Gandalf there when the poor foolish wizard went to go hug the painting._

"I actually enjoy this portrayal of you Gandalf," Saruman chuckled. "I think that it captures your essence nicely."

"I would not be so smug if I were you," Gandalf warned him through gritted teeth, "if this is how Frodo portrays his allies just imagine how he will portray someone who once tried to invade his homeland."

Saruman glanced sideways at Frodo who grinned evilly at the wizard.

_ "Gandalf was only captured because of his utter devotion to me," Frodo announced to the elves and other beings who had gathered to Rivendell to see Frodo. "Thus it is only right that I shall be the one to go to Isengard and rescue him."_

"Ha ha!" Boromir laughed pointing at Saruman, "Frodo is going to Isengard to mock you!"

_ Everyone started crying at the thought of Frodo leaving them._

"Anyone here think they would cry if Frodo went away?" Aragorn asked.

Everyone in the room shook their heads.

"I rest my case," Aragorn grinned.

"Rest what case?" Gimli asked him.

"It just sounds dramatic," Aragorn explained.

"I just do not get it," Gimli replied.

_ "Oh brave Frodo," Glorfindel the elf said as he bowed before his savior._

"I wish I was still too injured to understand what Frodo was saying," Glorfindel lamented. "I was once killed by a Balrog… and this is worse. Frodo's writing is worse then a Balrog."

"I agree," Gandalf nodded.

_ "Arwen and I wish to bestow a gift upon you," Glorfindel continued._

"Why did you have to bring me into it?" Arwen shouted at Glorfindel.

"Do not ask me," Glorfindel defended himself, "if it was up to me I would not even be in the story myself."

_ "Please accept this horse," Arwen said leading the horse over to Frodo, "his name is __Asfaloth. He is the best horse that we have, and you are the only one worthy to ride him.__"_

"Stupid horse stealing hobbit!"

_ Thanking the two elves Frodo leapt gracefully onto the horse's back. With Frodo on his back Asfaloth looked ten times more impressive. All other horses just looked like sickly mules in comparison._

"So basically the rule is," Elrond said, "things just look better when Frodo sits on them?"

"You did not know that?" Sam asked with fake disbelief. "Do you not see that with Frodo sitting on it that old chair is just radiant? Frodo has made is sparkle with brilliance by sitting on top of it."

"Oh yes," Elrond nodded with mock seriousness, "I see now. It is a king among chairs."

_ Frodo urged the horse onward and raced out of Rivendell. Everyone watched the brave and beautiful hobbit leave with tears in their eyes. The clouds parted to spotlight Frodo as he rode out of sight._

"If only," Aragorn sighed, "if only."

_"Do you think that Frodo will survive?" Arwen asked desperately turning to her father._

"No!" The cry came from all of the listeners.

_ "If it were anyone else," Elrond replied, "I would say that going against Saruman single handed was suicide. However, since it is Frodo I am guessing he will be back by lunch time."_

"By lunch time?" Gimli roared. "Take it from someone who has traveled from Rivendell to Isengard, that is impossible. Now if it had been lunch time a year from now it would have been more realistic."

"In this story Frodo is brave," Merry pointed out, "there is nothing realistic about this story."

"Good one!" Pippin laughed. The two high fived enthusiastically.

"You give that a high five when all I got from my brilliant joke about Saruman was some light chuckling?" Boromir asked looking shocked. "Your minds must be even more far gone then I thought."

_ "We should prepare a feast!" Elrond cried._

"Further proof that even when they are crazy a hobbit is still a hobbit," Gandalf remarked.

_ There was much cheering as every single being who was in Rivendell rushed to cook for Frodo._

"How much food are you all planning on making for Frodo?" Legolas asked the Rivendell crowd with a chuckle.

"However much they make," Pippin said seriously, "it still won't be enough."

"Just think," Elrond sighed wistfully, "there once was a day when there were no hobbits in Rivendell." He turned to Gandalf. "I blame you."

"What did I do?" Gandalf asked.

"Somehow you always push and prod until wars start and I have to hold Councils for large numbers of people who I do not really like and the next thing you know things have spiraled out of control. All I know is, you are always there in the beginning."

There was a chorus of agreement from around the room.

"He ruined my family's good name," Bilbo cried.

"I did not-" Gandalf started,

"He made dwarves have contact with elves," Gimli added interrupting the wizard.

"Even worse," Glorfindel spoke up, "he made elves have contact with dwarves."

"You are all reading too much into my actions," Gandalf grumbled.

"Gandalf was the one who let all those orcs know where we were in Moria," Pippin shouted.

"Liar," Gandalf shouted.

"Gandalf told me to break up with you," Aragorn told Arwen pointing at Gandalf.

"Do not pin that on me," the wizard protested.

"Let us all take deep breath," Arwen sighed.

"Thank you," Gandalf said cordially.

"Just because Gandalf is an instigator who could not stop manipulating us all if he tried does not mean that we should all gang up on him. After all, we have known about this for years. We should not be acting surprised."

"I don't know why I am surprised," Gandalf muttered.

"Wow," Sam said looking around at the rest of the group, "we really got off track that time."

"This group really has no focus," Rosie agreed.


	15. Frodo Battles Evil

**Chapter #15:**

_ Frodo arrived to Isengard quickly and went to confront the evil wizard Saruman._

"You know," Gandalf said in a soft whisper to Glorfindel, "I am actually looking forward to this part of the story. If anyone deserves to be mocked by a lunatic who thinks he can write it is Saruman."

_ Saruman had prepared an elaborate trap in preparation for Frodo's arrival. It involved a moat filled with snakes, termites that hungered for the flesh of heroes, Mary Sue nails which shot themselves at anything that moved, and exploding anvils. It had taken Saruman years to design._

"How do the termites tell the difference between ordinary flesh and the flesh of heroes?" Pippin asked the ghost of Saruman.

"I could not even begin to hazard a guess," Saruman answered wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"Maybe insanity is capable of changing people's flesh," Glorfindel mused. He sniffed his arm. "Or not," he shrugged.

"That is creepy," Arwen told him.

_ But Frodo disabled the trap almost instantly because he was incredibly smarter then Saruman could ever hope to be._

"If this hobbit had an ounce of brains then this story would not be so stupid," the ghost of Saruman growled.

_ "Oh Saruman," a voice called from the doorway, "it's your old buddy Sauron!"_

The room went silent as everyone stared at Frodo. Gandalf and Elrond exchanged dark looks. The ghost of Saruman looked ill. Arwen began to rub her temples in an attempt to ward off the large headache that Frodo's story was giving her.

"I did not see that coming," the ghost of Boromir said breaking the silence.

"I did," Legolas yawned looking bored. "Frodo's story is very predictable, unlike the masterpiece that I created."

_ "I have randomly come to hang out," Sauron continued as he walked into the room, "because I am insecure and am easily frightened when I am on my own. I act all evil, but all I really want is to have friends who care about me."_

"What fools we were!" Elrond cried with a touch of hysterical laughter. "Clearly Sauron was just a big fluffy puppy who needed a few kind words and a great big hug. He really had us fooled with that whole trying to take over the world and kill us all act."

"I'll bet Morgoth was really only interested in rainbows and sparkles," Glorfindel added.

_It was then that Sauron noticed that Frodo was there too. He reeled on the spot._

_ "Gasp!" Sauron gasped._

"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" Bilbo shouted. "Frodo, you do not know anything about writing! You are ruining my family name!"

_ "What a crazy random happenstance," Frodo chuckled in a rich confident voice, "I came here expecting to beat up one evil person, but by an extraordinary touch of good luck I will now be able to beat up two evil people. The world clearly works to make me happy and successful."_

"Umm maybe the world works that way," Arwen said, "because it is the crazy unreal fictional world that you yourself are creating!"

"Arwen makes a good point," Aragorn nodded putting an arm around his wife.

_ Sauron was out of his mind with terror. He knew that he was not good enough to stand a chance against the mighty Frodo. Sauron had feared the day they would meet face to face, but he had never thought that it would be so soon. He wanted to run away, but knew that he could never outrun Frodo. Also his legs had frozen at the sight of Frodo._

"It would not matter if he ran anyway," Merry said, "because clearly Frodo has the power to be in every place everywhere at the same time."

_ A trembling Sauron took a step towards Frodo, determined to try his best to fight the unbeatable foe before him._

"There is no way that Sauron would ever have trembled before a hobbit," the ghost of Saruman sniffed.

"Maybe he should have," Sam smirked.

"If I were still alive you would be dead where you stand," Saruman snapped.

"I am finding it hard to be afraid of a transparent ex-wizard," Sam replied.

_ Sauron took another step, and that is when it happened!_

"He fell in love with Frodo!" Rosie burst out jumping to her feet.

_ Sauron and Frodo's eyes locked._

"Hey I think you might be right," Pippin said to Rosie.

_ The intensity of Frodo's eyes caused Sauron's heart to burst._

"Umm…" Aragorn managed as he stared in horror at Frodo.

"Wow," the ghost of Boromir said, "Frodo is just reaching new depths of insanity huh? I had no idea that it had gotten this bad."

"That is just weird," Gimli complained, "and a little creepy."

_ "You have killed my boss," Saruman shouted at Frodo, "and that has made me angry! I will avenge his death… BY KILLING YOU!"_

Frodo ended that sentence, dramatically shouting at the top of his voice and jumping up to stand on his chair. He flung his arms out and almost lost his balance. Then, noticing that everyone else in the room was backing away from him as fast as they could Frodo sat back down.

"His craziness is becoming so severe that the papers are no longer able to contain it," Arwen whispered to her father in horror.

"We are doomed," he agreed. "Just try not to look him directly in the eye."

_ Seeing that Saruman was charging at him with murder in his eyes Frodo acted fast._

"What are the chances that Frodo will act so fast that no one will see or know what he did and we will not have to hear about it?" The ghost of Saruman asked looking nervous.

"Nonexistent," a suddenly cheerful Gandalf told him.

_ Frodo turned Saruman into a mushroom. He ate him with his gloriously white teeth and remarkably healthy gums in one bite._

"I do not understand why his gums are so important," Bilbo said scratching his head.

"Well when one has remarkably healthy gums one is obligated to show them off," Legolas replied. The elf pulled his lip up to show Bilbo his gums. It caused his words to become distorted. "See how healthy mine are!"

"I have seen more then I ever wanted to," Bilbo replied looking sick.

"You insolent hobbit!" The ghost of Saruman roared finally having found his voice. He jumped up and ran over to Frodo, not quite stopping in time so that he ended up standing partway in the crazy hobbit. "Do you know who I am you dumb hairy footed pipsqueak? I am Saruman! I am a member of the Istari! My voice can cause people to do anything I want them to! I am the most powerful being to ever exist!"

"That does not make sense," Rosie said.

A heavily breathing ghost of Saruman turned slowly until he was facing Rosie.

"What?" He asked, his transparent eyes bulging.

"Well if that were all true then you would probably still be alive and ruling all of Middle Earth instead of dead and stuck listening to an insane hobbit," Rosie replied.

"Is it possible for a ghost to explode from anger?" Aragorn asked the ghost of Boromir looking at Saruman thoughtfully.

"Probably," the ghost of Boromir shrugged. "If you are interested in testing it all we have to do is go to my father's ghost and tell him that Faramir has been named the coolest person in Middle Earth."

"Sounds like an intriguing experiment," Glorfindel grinned.

_ Then Frodo became the new White Wizard because he was just that splendid._

"That," Saruman shouted, "is the most insulting thing that has ever been said about wizards."

"It sickens me to say this," Gandalf added, "but Saruman is right."

_ Frodo then flew back to Rivendell, carrying a gleeful Gandalf. Gandalf tried to sing about how glorious Frodo was, but his voice was horrible so Frodo made him stop._

"I happen to have a wonderful singing voice," Gandalf grumbled.

"Not as wonderful as mine," Pippin told him.

_ "Good news people of Middle Earth," Frodo announced, "I have saved Middle Earth from evil with no need for annoying councils or crazy fellowships of any kind."_

"Just imagine how our lives would be different if there had been no council or no fellowship," Gimli said in a tone of awe. "Just think of how our lives would be better."

"I would never have met any of you," Sam said slowly.

"I would still be a ranger," Aragorn added with a smile.

"None of you would have come to Rivendell," Elrond almost laughed.

"Why are you staring out of the window?" the ghost of Boromir asked Arwen.

"Something about Frodo's story is actually preferable to the real world," Arwen explained, "which is clearly a sign of the end of the world. So now I am looking for the other signs that herald the end of the world."

"Oh," the ghost of Boromir replied, "well let me know if you see anything."

_ At Frodo's stirring announcement Elrond instantly died of old age and excitement._

"Elves do not die of old age!" Elrond howled in rage. "Especially not me!"

"I have never heard of anyone dying of excitement before," Arwen mused.

"If it were possible," Merry told her, "then Pippin would have died of excitement that time we found those barrels of ale sitting in the road last month."

"You two took the ale that was delivered to the door of the Green Dragon?" Rosie demanded. "We have been searching for a professional ale thief for a month."

"You can't prove anything," Merry said.

"It was delicious," Pippin added.

_ For a second the inhabitants of Rivendell were worried because they no longer had anyone to rule over them. But then a solution was reached! Frodo was named the President For Life Of All Middle Earth and a giant castle was built for him to live in._

"I am confused," Pippin said.

"Me too," Sam said, "which has never happened before. But how were the citizens of Rivendell able to name Frodo the ruler of all Middle Earth?"

"It probably has something to do with Frodo's awesomeness or the light in his eyes or something else stupid," the ghost of Saruman grumbled.

_ Instantly Boromir attempted to overthrow Frodo._

"Yeah, yeah," Boromir grumbled, "I tried to overthrow Frodo because I am evil."

_ The evil Boromir stole the One Ring._

_ "Bwah ha hah," Boromir laughed evily, "now I have the One Ring!"_

"That is so stupid," Elrond said, "who laughs like that?"

"Blue colored beetles and ex-football players from the future?" Glorfindel suggested. (The author realizes that next to no one will get this reference and doesn't care. Go Blue Beetle and Booster Gold! And back to the story…)

_ But Boromir was unable to handle the power of the One Ring! He burst into flames and exploded._

"Hmm," Arwen commented turning to Boromir, "even without joining the Fellowship you still died."

_"That takes care of that evil scoundrel," Frodo said looking down at the pile of ash that used to be Boromir._

_ Seeing how heroic he looked both Arwen and Glorfindel fell madly in love with Frodo._

"Oh no," Glorfindel muttered slapping his forehead with his palm, "curse these good looks of mine."

"I do not think that it is your good looks that Frodo is highlighting, " Rosie told him.

"Now, now honey," Aragorn was saying to Arwen in a soothing voice, "we all know that he is a liar." Arwen looked as if she was contemplating strangling Frodo. "Everyone knows that you have much better taste in men."

The ghost of Boromir snorted and started to laugh.

"Shut up ghost," Aragorn said not ever bothering to turn and look at Boromir.

_ Sam, Merry, and Pippin became Frodo's court jesters but they were all killed one day when they attempted to juggle flaming swords for Frodo's amusement._

"A jester?" Sam yelled at Frodo. "I literally carried you when you could not go on any more and this is how you repay me? What kind of a friend are you?"

"Also I will have you know that I am an excellent juggler," Pippin said.

"And I am much too smart to try to juggle flaming swords," Merry added.

_A couple of months after Frodo was named the President For Life Of All Middle Earth Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli tried to defeat Wormtongue in order to impress Frodo._

"Like killing Wormtongue would impress anyone," the ghost of Saruman chuckled.

"Umm Wormtongue was the one who killed you," Sam pointed out.

_ However all three of them were killed by Wormtongue's pet attack worm._

"Attack worm?" Gimli repeated looking ill.

"That is not funny!" Aragorn bellowed.

"Yeah," Legolas nodded, "worm's are icky."

"Wow," Gandalf commented with a grin, "the only person that Legolas killed in his story was Aragorn, and he got to go out in the middle of an important battle. Frodo has just killed pretty much everyone, and in the stupidest ways possible."

_ In a drunken stupor Gandalf thought that he saw Frodo in the middle of the ocean and drowned while trying to reach him._

"What!" Gandalf shouted jumping to his feet, the grin disappearing instantly.

"Now that is funny," Aragorn laughed.

"Keep laughing worm food," Gandalf snapped.

_ Bilbo spent the rest of his life trying to write a book that would be able to encompass Frodo's greatness._

"That would be a short book," the ghost of Saruman laughed dryly.

_ And thus the story of the very best being to ever live existed forever as a magnificent, heroic being who could do no wrong and never lost a finger ever._

_ The end._

"It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end! It's the end!" Sam, Rosie, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas, Glorfindel, and Aragorn cheered as they danced in a circle. Everyone else clapped and cheered.

"Oh Legolas," Elrond said in a false pleasant tone once everyone had settled down, "do you by chance remember the old elven tradition of having each guest kick the birthday boy once for every year that he has been alive?"

"No."

Aragorn leaned over and whispered something in Legolas' ear. The elf's eyes went wide and he broke into a wide smile.

"Oh," he exclaimed, "_that_ old elven tradition. Of course I remember. Although I believe that it was two or three kicks for every year he has been alive?"

"How could I forget?" Elrond responded, a grin spreading over his face as well.

"Finally," Gimli cheered, "an elvish custom I can really appreciate."

All of the guests turned towards Frodo, grins on all of their faces too.

"Meep," Frodo said, nicely summing up the situation he was had found himself in.

In an instant Frodo began his futile attempt to run away from the dear friends he had tortured with his story. Said dear friends took up the pursuit at once, with spirited war cries almost never heard in the peaceful Shire. Arwen and Rosie hung back, watching the chase unfold.

"I wonder why so many of our get togethers end with attempted murder," Arwen mused aloud.

"Too many insane males," Rosie suggested sagely, "not enough intelligent females."

"That is so true," Arwen nodded.

They stood together in comfortable silence for a minute before Arwen spoke again.

"But we are going to join them right?"

"Might as well," Rosie shrugged.

_**Author's Note:**_

_ Well this is the end of Frodo's story. I hope that everyone enjoyed it! I am going to add another chapter, (sort of similar to the last chapter of TATSB By Legolas). Thank you so much to everyone who is reading and reviewing. _


	16. Epilogue

**Epilogue:**

King Thranduil was happy. No, happy was an understatement. King Thranduil was giddy. He was sitting in his office, reflecting on how great that his life was at the moment. Yes, Thranduil had an office. He was King after all, he had a lot of important things to do. The office was necessary in order to avoid all of the things he had to do.

This giddy feeling Thranduil was experiencing had been present ever since Elladan and Elrohir had ridden through, following a flock of birds. They had stopped just long enough to tell Thranduil about the most recent outbreak of insanity. In Thranduil's opinion sending Legolas away to attend Frodo's surprise party had been the smartest thing that he, Thranduil had ever done. And he had done many smart things. He thought of the group stuck listening to the latest fanfiction and felt a sense of satisfaction. King Thranduil put his feet up on his desk and took a sip of wine. Thinking specifically of Elrond trapped listening to another insane fanfiction Thranduil almost laughed out loud, but instead took another sip of wine.

Just then, when everything seemed so right with the world, the silence was interrupted by a knock. After a moment of pause Thranduil called for the person to come in. The person who had knocked was a random elf. The random elf came into the office.

"My lord, Legolas has returned," the random elf announced.

"_Maybe it is another elf named Legolas_," King Thranduil thought with a faint glimmer of hope.

"Prince Legolas your son," the messenger continued, "he is on his way up here to see you."

Mild panic surged in, viciously destroying the peace that had been in Thranduil's mere minutes ago. It was as if this random elf had brought in a sledge hammer and smashed the happiness Thranduil had been feeling into a million little shards.

"Your son has a friend with him," the random elf added.

"Stop talking," Thranduil snapped.

**-*-**

Meanwhile Elrond had just arrived at Rivendell, accompanied by Bilbo. Elrond was pleased to have arrived, if only because there were people other then himself here for Bilbo to talk to.

"I just do not know what happened," Bilbo lamented for what was probably the thousandth time. "I am not saying that our family does not have an odd tendency or two, we have flaws, sure. But what Frodo has become…" Bilbo trailed off shaking his head morosely.

Just then Erestor, Elrond's chief councilor came over to them. He was carrying a pile of letters which he held out to Elrond.

"My lord Elrond," Erestor said, "I hope that the party went all right."

"It most certainly did not," Bilbo proclaimed vehemently.

"There were complications," Elrond said. "What are all these letters?"

"You have been receiving two or three for several days now," Erestor explained, "they all were sent by Tom Bombadil. Was he at the party as well?"

"Not as long as the rest of us," Bilbo said bitterly.

Elrond began to open the letters and scan them, reading fragments aloud.

_"… thought we were allies … How could you? … worst experience of my life … ruined my sanity … peace of mind destroyed … you are all monsters …."_

"Tom Bombadil wrote that?" Erestor asked looking shocked. "What happened at this party?"

"Bilbo will explain," Elrond told Erestor, "I need to go lie down for a couple of decades."

**-*-**

"What do you mean you can not make an appointment for us?" Merry demanded.

He and Pippin were standing in the office of the Shrink. The Shrink was consulting a book that was about as thick as a stack of bricks.

"I am terribly sorry," the Shrink told the two hobbits, "I'm just completely booked."

"How about next week?" Pippin asked desperately.

"You don't understand," the Shrink said, "I'm booked for the next thousand years."

"How is that possible?" Pippin asked.

"Well I am the only Shrink in Middle Earth," the Shrink shrugged.

"Look," Merry said, "we've just been through a trauma."

"Not another one," the Shrink muttered looking discouraged, "I don't understand how you heroes go so insane."

There was the sound of knocking from the door and all of them turned to look at the doorway. Standing there was Glorfindel.

"I'm here for my appointment," he said.

"You got an appointment?" Merry demanded. "How?"

"I scheduled it the second I got the invitation to Frodo's birthday party," Glorfindel explained, "I thought it might come in handy."

**-*-**

In Gondor Arwen, Aragorn, Same, and Rosie were sitting at a table in a picturesque garden having tea.

"It is so lovely here," Rosie was saying to Arwen, "we really appreciate you letting us stop by."

"So where do you plan to visit on this vacation?" Arwen asked.

"Anywhere," Sam said forcefully, "we just needed to get away for a little bit."

"That makes sense," Arwen nodded, "I have not visited Rivendell since the whole incident in the library. The memories are too painful."

All four of them shuddered slightly at the thought of the time they had spent trapped in the Rivendell library listening to Legolas' fanfiction. They sat in silence for a minute enjoying their tea.

"Did you hear about what Gandalf and Saruman have been doing?" Aragorn asked. When Rosie and Sam said they had not he continued leaning forward. "I heard from Eomer that they are currently working together."

"It can't be!" Sam cried.

"I did not believe it either," Aragorn said, "but it is true. They have joined forces to spread the word of the awesomeness of wizards."

"When will the insanity end?" Rosie asked shaking her head.

**-*-**

Gimli was sitting in the middle of a forest , working on starting a fire. The forest was peaceful and silent. Having finally succeeded he rocked back onto his heels with a pleased grin.

Looking up Gimli fell over in surprise. There was a figure standing in front of him. The figure had managed to sneak up on him while he wasn't looking, catching him completely off guard.

"Haldir!" Gimli spluttered as he stood up brushing some dirt off and glaring up at the elf.

"Sorry," the elf grinned not particularly looking as if he meant it, "I could not resist."

"Someday you are going to sneak up on the wrong person and they are going to kill you dead," Gimli grumbled, "and I dearly hope that I am there so that I can point and laugh."

"What are you doing in the middle of this forest?" Haldir asked. "I thought that you were not all that fond of forests."

"I am not," Gimli admitted, "but I needed to hide."

"From who?"

"Everyone," Gimli answered, "it is the only way to preserve my sanity."

"It must be snowing at Mount Doom," Haldir remarked.

"Why?" Gimli asked.

"Because a dwarf is talking sense."

**-*-**

Elrohir and Elladan were also in a forest, but it was anything but silent and peaceful. The pair of them sat on a fallen tree with their hands over their ears. Standing in front of them was the ghost of Boromir.

"Ahhhh! Aaaaaahhhhhhhh" The ghost yelled at the top of his transparent lungs. "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

"Doesn't he ever need to take a breath?" Elladan asked desperately.

"No," Elrohir answered, "he's a ghost remember?"

"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!" Boromir continued to yell.

"Boromir," Elrohir shouted to be heard.

"Yes?" Boromir asked stopping the constant yelling.

"This is not the proper way to haunt people," Elrohir said.

"Yes," Elladan agreed, "you have to be scary and not as loud."

"Nonstop yelling is how Theoden has been haunting people," the ghost of Boromir explained, "and he tells me he has had tremendous success with it."

"How long do you intend to 'haunt' us?" Elladan asked using air quotes around the word 'haunt' as he said it.

"Until you are properly punished for not giving me help when I asked for it," Boromir replied. "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Elrohir and Elladan exchanged panicked looks as they once again covered their ears with their hands.

**-*-**

"This can not be happening," King Thranduil said weakly as Legolas, followed by Frodo, walked into his office. "What is the latest mental case doing here in Mirkwood?"

"Well after Frodo had been beaten into submission we all took a vote and decided Mirkwood was the best place for him to stay."

"Why?" Thranduil asked looking at the insane and heavily bruised hobbit standing before him.

"Elrond said that since you already had experience with keeping me secured after my bout of insanity that you would be able to keep Frodo here too."

Without a word King Thranduil stood up and walked out of the office. Legolas followed him out into the hallway but Thranduil ignored him and continued to walk away.

"What are you doing?" Legolas called after his father.

"I am going on vacation to construct his revenge," Thranduil announced.

"Where?" Legolas asked.

"Anywhere but here," Thranduil replied.

**Author's Note:**

Well there it was, the end of the story. I sincerely hope that I will write more soon, but just in case I don't I want to thank everyone who has read this. Writing these stories has been so much fun! Thank you for the reviews, I have appreciated them all.


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